There are gut feelings, there are pros and cons lists, there are steps made out in faith...
But I find myself asking time and time again, how do you really discern the big things in life? The bold moves? The big decisions?
I guess this would imply that there are right decisions and wrong decisions. Perhaps it isn't really that simple; perhaps we have the opportunity to do good no matter where we do it or no matter how we choose to do it. You know, blooming where we're planted.
But somehow, when big decisions loom, I get into this mentality of there being one right decision and one wrong decision. I think ... maybe... that I don't want to end up swept up in the process of life happening and completely feel I have no say in the end results ... I want a *say* in the process! I want to be *intentional*! I want to choose my own adventure (loved those books as a kid) ...
Which again, conjures up images of pros/cons lists. Or just *knowing* in your gut that one thing is the right thing and going boldly in that direction, never looking back...
But life rarely seems to be that simple.
I want to find ways to get more in touch with that inner voice, that gut feeling, that truth.
It would make discerning a lot easier.
But discerning has to do with the wait. Not waiting passively, I remember reading in When the Heart Waits (by Sue Monk Kidd), but waiting actively. With open ears and an open heart ... dwelling in the unknown, asking for directions and looking for those signs of where God is leading. Of course, we wait actively, but there isn't a prescribed list of how to do it - which I so desire sometimes!
Maybe I should get that book off my shelf again. It was a good one.
For now, though, I wait. For revelation, for signs, for feelings, for direction, for clarity ... and maybe even to be caught up in life a little bit ... and then to just *know*.
Bloom where I'm planted ... I'm working on it. :)
2.02.2011
1.18.2011
maggieisms #2
Maggie (as Tim spins Maggie around on her belly, whilst on the top of his head): I'm Jesus! I'm JESUS!!!
1.15.2011
a weird day... with weird energy
If I hadn't ended the pregnancy and lost the baby we call Clover, today would be the due date we were originally given: January 15, 2011. I realized this about mid-day, and thought to myself how I ought to do something special to commemorate her too-short little life (inside me). I'm not sure what I was really thinking of, but alas, all I did was bring it up on facebook - which brought a little recognition, a little discomfort but a little comfort, and a little sympathy...
By the time Maggie went down for her nap after lunch, I had a list of things I needed to get done. I was taking trash out, starting laundry, folding laundry, running back to the grocery store, getting a refund, picking up mail, paying bills, and taking all our Christmas stuff and my stuff from Dad's place out to our storage space, and hoisting ungodly boxes around to make everything fit. I got home and finished up the laundry and started cooking a new and somewhat challenging new Indian recipe for dinner. Talk about a burst of energy. After dinner, I did collapse on the couch for a bit and lose all that wildness, but then got back up and finished a buttload of dishes (which Tim was kind enough to start on) and am now ... relaxing.
So that last burst of energy left me in a weird space. Unsettled. Waiting. And my brain started cranking. And I thought, who knows ... had things worked out with the last pregnancy, had things progressed normally, if I was 9 months pregnant today instead of 4.5 months ... I might have indeed been nesting my brains out today. Getting ready to welcome a new life into our home. Scurrying around with ridiculous energy, trying to get things ready or just so ... so I could welcome that new baby.
I know it doesn't make sense - I know there's no metaphysical "reason" that I would "nest" today in connection with my lost baby - but when I finally stopped and sat myself down and thought - this recognition just kind of clicked into place.
It just somehow seemed very fitting.
By the time Maggie went down for her nap after lunch, I had a list of things I needed to get done. I was taking trash out, starting laundry, folding laundry, running back to the grocery store, getting a refund, picking up mail, paying bills, and taking all our Christmas stuff and my stuff from Dad's place out to our storage space, and hoisting ungodly boxes around to make everything fit. I got home and finished up the laundry and started cooking a new and somewhat challenging new Indian recipe for dinner. Talk about a burst of energy. After dinner, I did collapse on the couch for a bit and lose all that wildness, but then got back up and finished a buttload of dishes (which Tim was kind enough to start on) and am now ... relaxing.
So that last burst of energy left me in a weird space. Unsettled. Waiting. And my brain started cranking. And I thought, who knows ... had things worked out with the last pregnancy, had things progressed normally, if I was 9 months pregnant today instead of 4.5 months ... I might have indeed been nesting my brains out today. Getting ready to welcome a new life into our home. Scurrying around with ridiculous energy, trying to get things ready or just so ... so I could welcome that new baby.
I know it doesn't make sense - I know there's no metaphysical "reason" that I would "nest" today in connection with my lost baby - but when I finally stopped and sat myself down and thought - this recognition just kind of clicked into place.
It just somehow seemed very fitting.
1.13.2011
maggie-isms #1
Because she is just a little ball of hilarity these days - and I want to remember how much she makes me laugh. :)
Maggie-isms!
Mama (noticing Maggie "working"): Maggie, did you go poop?
Maggie: Nope.
Mama (checking): You DID go poop! Yay!
Maggie: But I have more and MORE!
Maggie (while running over her doll with her toy stroller):
Excuse me, baby! EXCUSE ME!
Maggie (watching a movie where everyone is dancing, she jumps to her feet): I need to dance TOO!
Maggie (flipping through a cookbook): I lookin' for a cheesy taco!
Maggie (after bath): We clean our bodies, we clean our butts!
Maggie-isms!
Mama (noticing Maggie "working"): Maggie, did you go poop?
Maggie: Nope.
Mama (checking): You DID go poop! Yay!
Maggie: But I have more and MORE!
Maggie (while running over her doll with her toy stroller):
Excuse me, baby! EXCUSE ME!
Maggie (watching a movie where everyone is dancing, she jumps to her feet): I need to dance TOO!
Maggie (flipping through a cookbook): I lookin' for a cheesy taco!
Maggie (after bath): We clean our bodies, we clean our butts!
just like the 2nd kid ...
... to get the shaft, and not get a formal "announcement" in the blogosphere.
Yeah, we're pregnant. As of today, I'm about 21 weeks. :) I suppose that I hinted at it several entries ago, buuuuut ... I also haven't blogged in a good long spell either. Everyone on facebook knows! But yes, my apologies, little one. I too was my mama's second, so I should be more sensitive to the shaft that those born after the first tend to get, but for now, I'll just commiserate with you. I've been there. You're in good company. :)
Baby is due around 5/25 - sometime at the end of May, as the actual date keeps fluctuating a bit depending on the day of ultrasound. And I have had a number of those, due to our complications from last time. Thankfully though, everything looks *quite* normal this time. And today we got our first indication that baby may be a big one. At this point, my midwife said it must have had a little spurt because it was 14 oz. Babycenter.com says that belly fruit is normally 11-12 oz or so at this point. Yowza! Way to grow, baby. And, um, lay off the holiday eats, mama. ;)
To make my neglectfulness up to you, little one, I will now smatter your u/s images all over the internets. You're very welcome.
6 weeks - ain't nothin' but a blip thang, bay-by!
9 weeks - more like a peanut now
11 weeks - a lovely profile
13 weeks ... big stuff!
... And today, 1/13, at 21 weeks and about 14 oz! Bruiser!
We've had our nerves, for sure, but we're very excited. I have been feeling good - tired, but good. I blame the tired on the toddler. :) Blessings abound!
** Oh, and I'm not being an elusive jerk - we didn't find out the gender! We'll find out when babe makes it's debut in 18-19 weeks!
Yeah, we're pregnant. As of today, I'm about 21 weeks. :) I suppose that I hinted at it several entries ago, buuuuut ... I also haven't blogged in a good long spell either. Everyone on facebook knows! But yes, my apologies, little one. I too was my mama's second, so I should be more sensitive to the shaft that those born after the first tend to get, but for now, I'll just commiserate with you. I've been there. You're in good company. :)
Baby is due around 5/25 - sometime at the end of May, as the actual date keeps fluctuating a bit depending on the day of ultrasound. And I have had a number of those, due to our complications from last time. Thankfully though, everything looks *quite* normal this time. And today we got our first indication that baby may be a big one. At this point, my midwife said it must have had a little spurt because it was 14 oz. Babycenter.com says that belly fruit is normally 11-12 oz or so at this point. Yowza! Way to grow, baby. And, um, lay off the holiday eats, mama. ;)
To make my neglectfulness up to you, little one, I will now smatter your u/s images all over the internets. You're very welcome.
6 weeks - ain't nothin' but a blip thang, bay-by!
9 weeks - more like a peanut now
11 weeks - a lovely profile
13 weeks ... big stuff!
... And today, 1/13, at 21 weeks and about 14 oz! Bruiser!
We've had our nerves, for sure, but we're very excited. I have been feeling good - tired, but good. I blame the tired on the toddler. :) Blessings abound!
** Oh, and I'm not being an elusive jerk - we didn't find out the gender! We'll find out when babe makes it's debut in 18-19 weeks!
12.08.2010
I seem to be cursed...
... with self-destructive, shoot-myself-in-the-foot syndrome.
It has been a challenging semester, but so far, a pretty good one. Then why is it, with the end so clearly in sight (2 remaining Thursdays of class, one being tomorrow) that I am hell-bent on going down like a chump?? The end is so close ... but I have managed to lose all ability to make myself sit down and get work done. Instead, I nap. Or cook. Or play Word Twist 617x in a row. Or nap. Did I mention I'm a big fan of the nap these days?
Left on my plate are:
- my final Ethics short paper (3 pgs, due tomorrow ... how much do I have done? None.)
- my big Helping Relationships paper (8 pgs, due next week, not even started... so embarrassed!)
- human development final quiz (to be taken tomorrow, have not yet studied...)
- Fowler's "stage 2 of faith" chapter synopsis (due next week, still must read chapter, still must fashion entire synopsis)
- in-class Ethics presentation w/ partner (to be presented next week, actually feel OK about this as we've been working on it for the last couple of weeks. We're close.)
And that's it. Shouldn't be such a challenge to get my butt in gear, but... it is. What is my darn problem?? I wish I knew. I want to work on Christmas cards, I want to decorate our apartment, I was to finish up some Christmas shopping, buuut ... all those things need to wait until I am done with this list of work.
So close, so close... ok, I have to stop blogging. I am stinkin' ridiculous. WORK, DAMMIT.
It has been a challenging semester, but so far, a pretty good one. Then why is it, with the end so clearly in sight (2 remaining Thursdays of class, one being tomorrow) that I am hell-bent on going down like a chump?? The end is so close ... but I have managed to lose all ability to make myself sit down and get work done. Instead, I nap. Or cook. Or play Word Twist 617x in a row. Or nap. Did I mention I'm a big fan of the nap these days?
Left on my plate are:
- my final Ethics short paper (3 pgs, due tomorrow ... how much do I have done? None.)
- my big Helping Relationships paper (8 pgs, due next week, not even started... so embarrassed!)
- human development final quiz (to be taken tomorrow, have not yet studied...)
- Fowler's "stage 2 of faith" chapter synopsis (due next week, still must read chapter, still must fashion entire synopsis)
- in-class Ethics presentation w/ partner (to be presented next week, actually feel OK about this as we've been working on it for the last couple of weeks. We're close.)
And that's it. Shouldn't be such a challenge to get my butt in gear, but... it is. What is my darn problem?? I wish I knew. I want to work on Christmas cards, I want to decorate our apartment, I was to finish up some Christmas shopping, buuut ... all those things need to wait until I am done with this list of work.
So close, so close... ok, I have to stop blogging. I am stinkin' ridiculous. WORK, DAMMIT.
11.07.2010
a sweet pastor's wife can only take so much...
I wish I could blame hormones and just UNLEASH my mouth in a foul-mouthed rage.
I wish I didn't hold such high standards for myself and could be a right-out ass and just tell some of these fools off. Darn faith, I take it's expectations of how I live pretty seriously...
I wish it wouldn't reflect on Tim negatively if I actually did take one of these aforementioned fools aside and tell them where to go and how to get there. (It would, of course, which my dear sweet husband does NOT need.)
I wish I could have a voice as a member of a congregation. Trust me, it would take a pretty special congregation to let a pastor's spouse have a voice and realize it did not equal their pastor.
I wish people would stop making it their goal to complain constantly to my husband. These are people who very often do nothing to help out around the church or do anything for the next generation of members, but they are there ... and they ALWAYS have a negative complaint on their lips. They never have anything good to say, and they never offer any real solutions. They just DUMP. (Fitting.)
I wish people would be part of the solution instead of part of the problem. Give it a try some time, a-holes, you might find you like it!
I wish I could really just shrug things off. You know, not care. To a point, I can ... but these offenders ... these *repeat* offenders ... make it so close to impossible. My blood pressure spikes when I encounter them. My skin will never be that thick and in a church (of all places) I don't think it should have to be...
I wish people would hold themselves up to a higher standard. Perhaps - inspired by their faith in a compassionate and loving God - they would actually practice grace and forgiveness and occasionally decide to take the high road. Occasionally pick their battles. Occasionally shut their damn mouths.
And lastly - for now - I wish I could be more forgiving and diplomatic. Luckily, I usually I am. Or at least I know when I need to walk away. But I also need this journal to be a safe place for me to dump and let off some of the steam.
(Pretty sad how these tags often go together for me.)
I wish I didn't hold such high standards for myself and could be a right-out ass and just tell some of these fools off. Darn faith, I take it's expectations of how I live pretty seriously...
I wish it wouldn't reflect on Tim negatively if I actually did take one of these aforementioned fools aside and tell them where to go and how to get there. (It would, of course, which my dear sweet husband does NOT need.)
I wish I could have a voice as a member of a congregation. Trust me, it would take a pretty special congregation to let a pastor's spouse have a voice and realize it did not equal their pastor.
I wish people would stop making it their goal to complain constantly to my husband. These are people who very often do nothing to help out around the church or do anything for the next generation of members, but they are there ... and they ALWAYS have a negative complaint on their lips. They never have anything good to say, and they never offer any real solutions. They just DUMP. (Fitting.)
I wish people would be part of the solution instead of part of the problem. Give it a try some time, a-holes, you might find you like it!
I wish I could really just shrug things off. You know, not care. To a point, I can ... but these offenders ... these *repeat* offenders ... make it so close to impossible. My blood pressure spikes when I encounter them. My skin will never be that thick and in a church (of all places) I don't think it should have to be...
I wish people would hold themselves up to a higher standard. Perhaps - inspired by their faith in a compassionate and loving God - they would actually practice grace and forgiveness and occasionally decide to take the high road. Occasionally pick their battles. Occasionally shut their damn mouths.
And lastly - for now - I wish I could be more forgiving and diplomatic. Luckily, I usually I am. Or at least I know when I need to walk away. But I also need this journal to be a safe place for me to dump and let off some of the steam.
(Pretty sad how these tags often go together for me.)
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