breath of life

Oddly enough, this was our theme for our Lenten Taize worship tonight...

I say "oddly" because all day long, I have been quite short on breath. According to my midwife the other week (and Dr. O'brien, today) babers is likely in position, but keeps bouncing him or herself into my rib cage region and I find myself seriously short on breath from time to time. I remember this happening with Maggie, but when it first started happening this time, I found myself kind of spooked. I wasn't exerting myself or trying to do too much - I just couldn't breathe. If ever there was something to make you panic... and then exacerbate that panic ... not being able to BREATHE might just be it!

So mid-afternoon, I laid myself pregnant self down for a quick rest ... we'd been up in the night previously with a night-terroring Magdalena :( ... and though I still was short of breath, I found it was much easier to "catch it" when I slowed it waaaaaay down.

Breeeeathe in .... breeeeathe out. Repeat. Slowly.

It helped to calm me and get me what I needed and I even got to doze for a few and let go of the day for a bit.

When I woke up, I was feeling better. Calmer. Able to catch my breath. Maybe the babers shifted a bit while I slumbered, maybe my slowing things down made a difference. But then I got to thinking about how busy this life has been in the last few weeks. We've had a whirlwind of weeks with birthdays (Tim's and mine), visitors (my sister and her crew), homework/finals/projects, trips to the western shore, and just general busy-ness! Not to mention the daunting realization that babers is set to arrive in about 7 weeks or so. And that comes with a list of "to dos" - though less than we got in order for Maggs. But WOW. Not only is it hard to physically catch our breath at 8 months preggers, but life doesn't slow down for anyone!

So tonight at Taize, we heard the story of God breathing life into his creation and then Jesus breathing life and healing back into a child. And I was just struck ... that God not only created us, but promises to sustain us ... in a busy life, in a busy world, in busy people who are creating and sustaining life! I can't believe - God willing - how quickly that little life will be with us, in my arms... likely after I myself do some very labored breathing to get that little one from life on the inside to life on the outside!

Of course, I pray it will take several more weeks, as I have a semester to get through and I want our babe fully cooked, healthy, and ready to breathe on it's own. I also pray for my sisters-in-law, Megan and Amy, who are waiting on late little girls. They were both due 4/7 and their wait continues. Luckily they are healthy and their babes are healthy ... but they, too, are learning all about slowing down and waiting.

Breeeeeathe in, breeeeeathe out. Repeat. Slowly.

Slowly.

lent begins

I am a traveler on the way
to a sacred place
where God holds me
in the palm of his hand.

-Henri Nouwen

I am hopeful, that over the next 40 days of Lent, I will be aware of this. I don't have an exact discipline specified - that is, something given up or a specific practice added to my life. However, I have been thinking a lot about what it means to carve out space for God and living with intention and making an effort for peace. Peace within myself and peace in this world. What does it mean to wait? And to be OK in the waiting? Where does simplifying come in? Where does space set apart come in, especially when that just doesn't seem practical?

I know - big questions. And without a mission statement/goal, can I possibly succeed? Am I being over-ambitious? Well, I pray with God's help that I will begin carving out some time and space to discover what I need. I look at this Lenten season as a beginning to more intention, more trust, more patience. I trust that I may indeed be moved - if I let myself be open to God's movement in my life...

I am beginning by reading "Gifts from the Sea" by Anne Morrow Lindbergh. I was given it for Christmas and had not really looked at it since then, but randomly picked it up last night. What a timely offering placed in front of me. To my surprise, it explores a lot of the themes I mentioned above and for that, I say thank you, God. Way to toss it in my path!

discerning...

There are gut feelings, there are pros and cons lists, there are steps made out in faith...

But I find myself asking time and time again, how do you really discern the big things in life? The bold moves? The big decisions?

I guess this would imply that there are right decisions and wrong decisions. Perhaps it isn't really that simple; perhaps we have the opportunity to do good no matter where we do it or no matter how we choose to do it. You know, blooming where we're planted.

But somehow, when big decisions loom, I get into this mentality of there being one right decision and one wrong decision. I think ... maybe... that I don't want to end up swept up in the process of life happening and completely feel I have no say in the end results ... I want a *say* in the process! I want to be *intentional*! I want to choose my own adventure (loved those books as a kid) ...

Which again, conjures up images of pros/cons lists. Or just *knowing* in your gut that one thing is the right thing and going boldly in that direction, never looking back...

But life rarely seems to be that simple.

I want to find ways to get more in touch with that inner voice, that gut feeling, that truth.

It would make discerning a lot easier.

But discerning has to do with the wait. Not waiting passively, I remember reading in When the Heart Waits (by Sue Monk Kidd), but waiting actively. With open ears and an open heart ... dwelling in the unknown, asking for directions and looking for those signs of where God is leading. Of course, we wait actively, but there isn't a prescribed list of how to do it - which I so desire sometimes!

Maybe I should get that book off my shelf again. It was a good one.

For now, though, I wait. For revelation, for signs, for feelings, for direction, for clarity ... and maybe even to be caught up in life a little bit ... and then to just *know*.

Bloom where I'm planted ... I'm working on it. :)