... with self-destructive, shoot-myself-in-the-foot syndrome.
It has been a challenging semester, but so far, a pretty good one. Then why is it, with the end so clearly in sight (2 remaining Thursdays of class, one being tomorrow) that I am hell-bent on going down like a chump?? The end is so close ... but I have managed to lose all ability to make myself sit down and get work done. Instead, I nap. Or cook. Or play Word Twist 617x in a row. Or nap. Did I mention I'm a big fan of the nap these days?
Left on my plate are:
- my final Ethics short paper (3 pgs, due tomorrow ... how much do I have done? None.)
- my big Helping Relationships paper (8 pgs, due next week, not even started... so embarrassed!)
- human development final quiz (to be taken tomorrow, have not yet studied...)
- Fowler's "stage 2 of faith" chapter synopsis (due next week, still must read chapter, still must fashion entire synopsis)
- in-class Ethics presentation w/ partner (to be presented next week, actually feel OK about this as we've been working on it for the last couple of weeks. We're close.)
And that's it. Shouldn't be such a challenge to get my butt in gear, but... it is. What is my darn problem?? I wish I knew. I want to work on Christmas cards, I want to decorate our apartment, I was to finish up some Christmas shopping, buuut ... all those things need to wait until I am done with this list of work.
So close, so close... ok, I have to stop blogging. I am stinkin' ridiculous. WORK, DAMMIT.
12.08.2010
11.07.2010
a sweet pastor's wife can only take so much...
I wish I could blame hormones and just UNLEASH my mouth in a foul-mouthed rage.
I wish I didn't hold such high standards for myself and could be a right-out ass and just tell some of these fools off. Darn faith, I take it's expectations of how I live pretty seriously...
I wish it wouldn't reflect on Tim negatively if I actually did take one of these aforementioned fools aside and tell them where to go and how to get there. (It would, of course, which my dear sweet husband does NOT need.)
I wish I could have a voice as a member of a congregation. Trust me, it would take a pretty special congregation to let a pastor's spouse have a voice and realize it did not equal their pastor.
I wish people would stop making it their goal to complain constantly to my husband. These are people who very often do nothing to help out around the church or do anything for the next generation of members, but they are there ... and they ALWAYS have a negative complaint on their lips. They never have anything good to say, and they never offer any real solutions. They just DUMP. (Fitting.)
I wish people would be part of the solution instead of part of the problem. Give it a try some time, a-holes, you might find you like it!
I wish I could really just shrug things off. You know, not care. To a point, I can ... but these offenders ... these *repeat* offenders ... make it so close to impossible. My blood pressure spikes when I encounter them. My skin will never be that thick and in a church (of all places) I don't think it should have to be...
I wish people would hold themselves up to a higher standard. Perhaps - inspired by their faith in a compassionate and loving God - they would actually practice grace and forgiveness and occasionally decide to take the high road. Occasionally pick their battles. Occasionally shut their damn mouths.
And lastly - for now - I wish I could be more forgiving and diplomatic. Luckily, I usually I am. Or at least I know when I need to walk away. But I also need this journal to be a safe place for me to dump and let off some of the steam.
(Pretty sad how these tags often go together for me.)
I wish I didn't hold such high standards for myself and could be a right-out ass and just tell some of these fools off. Darn faith, I take it's expectations of how I live pretty seriously...
I wish it wouldn't reflect on Tim negatively if I actually did take one of these aforementioned fools aside and tell them where to go and how to get there. (It would, of course, which my dear sweet husband does NOT need.)
I wish I could have a voice as a member of a congregation. Trust me, it would take a pretty special congregation to let a pastor's spouse have a voice and realize it did not equal their pastor.
I wish people would stop making it their goal to complain constantly to my husband. These are people who very often do nothing to help out around the church or do anything for the next generation of members, but they are there ... and they ALWAYS have a negative complaint on their lips. They never have anything good to say, and they never offer any real solutions. They just DUMP. (Fitting.)
I wish people would be part of the solution instead of part of the problem. Give it a try some time, a-holes, you might find you like it!
I wish I could really just shrug things off. You know, not care. To a point, I can ... but these offenders ... these *repeat* offenders ... make it so close to impossible. My blood pressure spikes when I encounter them. My skin will never be that thick and in a church (of all places) I don't think it should have to be...
I wish people would hold themselves up to a higher standard. Perhaps - inspired by their faith in a compassionate and loving God - they would actually practice grace and forgiveness and occasionally decide to take the high road. Occasionally pick their battles. Occasionally shut their damn mouths.
And lastly - for now - I wish I could be more forgiving and diplomatic. Luckily, I usually I am. Or at least I know when I need to walk away. But I also need this journal to be a safe place for me to dump and let off some of the steam.
(Pretty sad how these tags often go together for me.)
10.03.2010
standing in the need of prayer...
Right now, we could really just benefit from your prayers.
More details to come (probably). Thank you!
More details to come (probably). Thank you!
9.29.2010
good news/bad news
The good news is ... all of our stuff is out of Trappe and that dwelling is nice and clean. Not a professional job, but as good as I can do.
The bad news is ... we still have half of it in our cars and the other half of it has not a found a home (yet?) in our new apartment. We are living out of our cars and in a pigsty. Classy. My car is never pristine, but this is ridiculous.
It's stressful. I fancy myself someone who can live pretty simply and not sweat the small stuff, but right now it all feels kind of daunting and big. When we decided to live in this apartment, I didn't think it was that small. But now, the daunting truth is that it is.
I am home with Maggie so I feel like I should be able to have this all whipped into shape by now. But it is slooooooow. So very slow. Maggie is 2 and busy and doesn't love to see Mommy put things up and out of her reach. I try to do some homework and reading while Maggie sleeps.
Alas. A few more boxes were broken down today so that may be our little triumph.
The good news is ... I get a little "break" tomorrow (from this mess, from tripping over boxes and searching for space where this is none) with a full day of classes. Hee hee - a "break." So to speak. Ah well, in a sense, it is still kind of "me" time since it is something that is focused on my future and very important to me.
The bad news is ... I don't feel ready for school. The semester is rushing onward at a furious pace and I want it to stay in that "first day of class" mentality where nothing is really expected yet. My papers are done. My reading isn't. I can't find which chapter I was assigned for my Human Development class. It makes me feel all disorganized and dumb.
Alas. I suppose I will survive not being fully prepared though.
(Might have a little time to do some reading between classes.)
After my full day, we're planning a little getaway to Allentown to hang with Tim's sister, Amy and her husband and her baby girl for the first part of our weekend. It should be nice. They're taking Maggie's crib for storage/use since we definitely don't have room for that anywhere. We thought they might be able to take the couch too, but we're back to not having a place for the couch to go (not that it was ever guaranteed, but we were feeling optimistic).
Anyone want a couch? Has a nice hide-a-bed.
Oh yeah - and Maggie is still up for no good reason at all. This is not the norm at all. There is not much good news in that. I pray she won't be a beast for Tim and Miss Julie tomorrow. I hope (so tentative, I don't even want to say it) that she is quieting down. We shall see.
Anyway, I am very rambly. It's late and I have to be up early for my "break." Sadly, thus far, I never get enough sleep in this new place due to the morning traffic noise.
The bad news is ... we still have half of it in our cars and the other half of it has not a found a home (yet?) in our new apartment. We are living out of our cars and in a pigsty. Classy. My car is never pristine, but this is ridiculous.
It's stressful. I fancy myself someone who can live pretty simply and not sweat the small stuff, but right now it all feels kind of daunting and big. When we decided to live in this apartment, I didn't think it was that small. But now, the daunting truth is that it is.
I am home with Maggie so I feel like I should be able to have this all whipped into shape by now. But it is slooooooow. So very slow. Maggie is 2 and busy and doesn't love to see Mommy put things up and out of her reach. I try to do some homework and reading while Maggie sleeps.
Alas. A few more boxes were broken down today so that may be our little triumph.
The good news is ... I get a little "break" tomorrow (from this mess, from tripping over boxes and searching for space where this is none) with a full day of classes. Hee hee - a "break." So to speak. Ah well, in a sense, it is still kind of "me" time since it is something that is focused on my future and very important to me.
The bad news is ... I don't feel ready for school. The semester is rushing onward at a furious pace and I want it to stay in that "first day of class" mentality where nothing is really expected yet. My papers are done. My reading isn't. I can't find which chapter I was assigned for my Human Development class. It makes me feel all disorganized and dumb.
Alas. I suppose I will survive not being fully prepared though.
(Might have a little time to do some reading between classes.)
After my full day, we're planning a little getaway to Allentown to hang with Tim's sister, Amy and her husband and her baby girl for the first part of our weekend. It should be nice. They're taking Maggie's crib for storage/use since we definitely don't have room for that anywhere. We thought they might be able to take the couch too, but we're back to not having a place for the couch to go (not that it was ever guaranteed, but we were feeling optimistic).
Anyone want a couch? Has a nice hide-a-bed.
Oh yeah - and Maggie is still up for no good reason at all. This is not the norm at all. There is not much good news in that. I pray she won't be a beast for Tim and Miss Julie tomorrow. I hope (so tentative, I don't even want to say it) that she is quieting down. We shall see.
Anyway, I am very rambly. It's late and I have to be up early for my "break." Sadly, thus far, I never get enough sleep in this new place due to the morning traffic noise.
9.23.2010
hopeful
I am really not sure than anyone reads this blog except for me, but... let's say that I am feeling hopeful. A little overwhelmed, but hopeful. Nothing in life is guaranteed - in fact, maybe that's the only thing we can be sure of - but I am thankful for people, for life, for potential. I try to be a positive person, but I am probably a tad more on the even-keeled and realistic side. I know misfortunes happen, and I know things don't always turn out the way we hope - and sometimes there's no good reason why. But I still see a silver lining ... and am wishing for the best.
Thank you God, for all my blessings. Thank you.
Thank you God, for all my blessings. Thank you.
9.20.2010
oh baby girl...
Dear dear Magdalena girl ...
You nearly gave your mama a heart attack this morning when you ran away from my side at the car and almost directly into the path of a car. Thank the Lord they saw you, thank the Lord they could stop, thank the Lord I caught you ... but child ... I was crying and yelling and losing my damn mind because it was probably the scariest moment of my life. I am sorry if I scared you, but... you are precious to me. Listen to your mama! I don't yell at you all day and all night - please recognize that when I yell, it is because I need you to listen to me. I was shaking like mad and almost sick that you'd managed to get THAT far from me THAT quickly. You are my life, little girl, and as vigilant as I try to be ... oh, I wish you had some more common sense. I'm not willing you grow up way too fast (you already are), but you could truly stand more than a toddler's dose of reasoning skills.
I love you I love you I love you. More than you could know...
Mama
You nearly gave your mama a heart attack this morning when you ran away from my side at the car and almost directly into the path of a car. Thank the Lord they saw you, thank the Lord they could stop, thank the Lord I caught you ... but child ... I was crying and yelling and losing my damn mind because it was probably the scariest moment of my life. I am sorry if I scared you, but... you are precious to me. Listen to your mama! I don't yell at you all day and all night - please recognize that when I yell, it is because I need you to listen to me. I was shaking like mad and almost sick that you'd managed to get THAT far from me THAT quickly. You are my life, little girl, and as vigilant as I try to be ... oh, I wish you had some more common sense. I'm not willing you grow up way too fast (you already are), but you could truly stand more than a toddler's dose of reasoning skills.
I love you I love you I love you. More than you could know...
Mama
9.18.2010
settling in...
I'm still overwhelmed with the semester ahead (but at least I have a little more idea of what to expect), the new place is still a mess (but it's slowly taking shape) and life is marching forward at something a dizzying pace!
The new place ... is in a great location. We can walk to the coffee shop, farmer's market, church, Hispanic market, the utility company, the bank, the post office, park (though it's a bit further) ... it's sweet. I get a little happy buzz being able to walk around town with Maggs and Tim.
It's also significantly noisier than living way out in the no-man's land of rural (and wealthy) Trappe. I mean, Easton is a small town ... but big old trucks and buses and fire engines barrel through our intersection all day and all night! I'm sleeping a little better as time goes by, but it's going to take time to get used it. Maggie loves the bus sightings (she waves to the drivers!) and always brings up the "sarans" (sirens). (She says, "Wee-ooo! Wee-ooo! Again!")
The new place is also... small. We certainly don't need all the space we had in Trappe, but well, we got accustomed to it. We got accustomed to big closets and options for how to arrange things. Here - we've rearranged things a couple times so far because, well, many ways just don't work! But we're working on figuring that out. Being an older building, it's narrow and quirky. I love the quirk - definitely - but it causes some hardships. For example, our couch didn't end up fitting up the stairs. So we had to buy a little futon, which I am perched on right now. This also means we need to find a home for our couch, as we just don't plan to ditch this nice couch we bought a mere 2.5 years ago. We still have the storage space, but ... it too lacks room. And there's also still stuff back in Trappe that needs to go somewhere (Maggie's crib, clothes for her as she gets bigger, camping equipment, etc). So there's lots to figure out!
But it will work for us. We'll make it work. The benefits of Tim being able to be close to work - and all of us closer to civilization - are amazing benefits indeed! And I think school will work out, too, though I continue to be nervous about things - my Ethics class especially. But I'd better run - I hear my Gooey girl a'stirring from her nap!
The new place ... is in a great location. We can walk to the coffee shop, farmer's market, church, Hispanic market, the utility company, the bank, the post office, park (though it's a bit further) ... it's sweet. I get a little happy buzz being able to walk around town with Maggs and Tim.
It's also significantly noisier than living way out in the no-man's land of rural (and wealthy) Trappe. I mean, Easton is a small town ... but big old trucks and buses and fire engines barrel through our intersection all day and all night! I'm sleeping a little better as time goes by, but it's going to take time to get used it. Maggie loves the bus sightings (she waves to the drivers!) and always brings up the "sarans" (sirens). (She says, "Wee-ooo! Wee-ooo! Again!")
The new place is also... small. We certainly don't need all the space we had in Trappe, but well, we got accustomed to it. We got accustomed to big closets and options for how to arrange things. Here - we've rearranged things a couple times so far because, well, many ways just don't work! But we're working on figuring that out. Being an older building, it's narrow and quirky. I love the quirk - definitely - but it causes some hardships. For example, our couch didn't end up fitting up the stairs. So we had to buy a little futon, which I am perched on right now. This also means we need to find a home for our couch, as we just don't plan to ditch this nice couch we bought a mere 2.5 years ago. We still have the storage space, but ... it too lacks room. And there's also still stuff back in Trappe that needs to go somewhere (Maggie's crib, clothes for her as she gets bigger, camping equipment, etc). So there's lots to figure out!
But it will work for us. We'll make it work. The benefits of Tim being able to be close to work - and all of us closer to civilization - are amazing benefits indeed! And I think school will work out, too, though I continue to be nervous about things - my Ethics class especially. But I'd better run - I hear my Gooey girl a'stirring from her nap!
9.02.2010
butterflies...
I want to go to bed, but ... I have a nervous tummy ... butterflies.
There is good reason for the butterflies, I suppose. It's not just one thing, but many things:
1) We move a week from tomorrow. Yup, we set the date at the end of August and paid our deposit and first month's rent (pro-rated) and September 10 kind of *sounded* far enough off, but now ... it's a week away. Casa Swank is a mess and rapidly becoming less and less livable as it always tricky to know what you need and what you don't. We also *need* more boxes right now. I'd like to direct some of my nervous energies into packing boxes, but I'm out of them! Grr. Tomorrow I'll pick some more up from Railway. Anyhow, bags of trash are getting filled, bags of donations for Goodwill are piling up, boxes and suitcases are getting filled up ... and I can't find a darn sippy cup or nuk for Maggs. Simply put, it's chaos. We're making good enough progress, but alas, there is still SO much to do!
2) I start classes a week from today. Oh boy, lots of butterflies in this department. I know the big hurdle was going back in January this year, and I did that - yahoo for me ;) - and with a lot of work, I managed to do pretty well. Got, like, my first 4.0 ever ... buuuut, the academic anxiety is kicking in. I catch myself wondering if my first semester was a fluke - maybe all the profs were just being nice to me? This anxiety goes way back and is not all unrealistic/unfounded. I've struggled in school much of my life. So far, I love this program - and I am quite sure I'll continue to, but I just hope I can hack it. I hope I can juggle being mom and being wife and being me and being a student. I know people manage to do this sort of thing all the time, but I am overwhelmed. I pray I will find my flow... and that my classes won't completely kick my ass.
3) I am taking on Tim's stress/anxiety/fears. This is not an accusatory statement, but there is truth in it. I love my husband dearly and as I empathize with the difficulties (occupational, spiritual, emotionally) that he's having, I am finding myself awake at night thinking about all the difficulties (tangible and intangible) that he is dealing with. I don't want him *not* to share what he's dealing with; in fact, I am thankful he shares with me as much as he does. But it is taking it's toll. I love him so much and I want him to feel happy and fulfilled by his work and his call. I want him to feel hopeful. I want to fix the situation (even though that isn't supposed to be my instinct) but it is clearer and clearer that there is no way I can do that. I am so very thankful we all have each other ... but we also need space to heal. But what will bring that healing? What can change? What can't? There are good days but there are also very bad days where it seems like he's given up and has no hope. It's very exhausting...
4) Grappling with changes in my Dad's life. I don't think I actually wrote about it in the summer, as I've been pretty inwardly focused this summer (having lost Clover about 6 weeks ago now), but my Dad and his lady friend of a few months, Linda, have decided to get married. I got to meet her when I was in Michigan earlier this summer, and she's lovely. I approve :) - and I am really very excited that they've decided to take the plunge. But truth be told, it's becoming more real now. Even though I am 11 hrs and 10 hours away (according to Google maps), I am getting emails from Dad talking about moving any remaining stuff out of the house - about meeting her kids/kid's spouses/grandkids and having a big old family get together over Christmas. Aaaand... it's overwhelming. I don't think Dad intends for us to turn into the Brady Bunch or anything, as we're all grown and not living at home anymore (as are her "kids") but it just feels like there's this ... expectation. And I don't know what to expect! I feel like my dad has expectations for what our relationships will be - and who can say what that would be?! I'm not saying there isn't potential for connection, but at this point ... we are all just strangers who have parents who are in love. And that's it. Yeah, we should probably become familiar with who everyone is ... but a big old holiday family get together sounds kind of insane to me right now. I love my dad dearly and want to support him, so getting "on board" with the whole idea is probably my best bet, but ... it still sounds insane. Gulp.
5) Tonight's icing on the damn cake: there is *something* making a damn racket in the laundry room/pantry. We have had critters before ... oh yes, we have. We're out in the country, it's been the dead of winter and our apartment has been a warm spot of refuge for the damn little beasts ... but for the love of all that is good and holy, it's September frickin' 2nd and it is NOT cold so get the hell out of my house! At least have the decency to be a little quieter and not make my skin crawl. I even, like, peeked in there 20 minutes or so ago (before I started this post) and turned the light on ... as if my scary presence would make it/them nervous and they'd pack up their mousie backpacks and leave. Of course, I saw nothing, but with all the damn noise, I half expected to see a chorus of mice having choir practice. Noisy little bastard(s). They need to go the HELL away, but that seems unlikely without our doing some damage to their living situation. GahhhHH!H!!
I think that's basically it. Think I'll have enough to talk about in therapy tomorrow? ;)
There is good reason for the butterflies, I suppose. It's not just one thing, but many things:
1) We move a week from tomorrow. Yup, we set the date at the end of August and paid our deposit and first month's rent (pro-rated) and September 10 kind of *sounded* far enough off, but now ... it's a week away. Casa Swank is a mess and rapidly becoming less and less livable as it always tricky to know what you need and what you don't. We also *need* more boxes right now. I'd like to direct some of my nervous energies into packing boxes, but I'm out of them! Grr. Tomorrow I'll pick some more up from Railway. Anyhow, bags of trash are getting filled, bags of donations for Goodwill are piling up, boxes and suitcases are getting filled up ... and I can't find a darn sippy cup or nuk for Maggs. Simply put, it's chaos. We're making good enough progress, but alas, there is still SO much to do!
2) I start classes a week from today. Oh boy, lots of butterflies in this department. I know the big hurdle was going back in January this year, and I did that - yahoo for me ;) - and with a lot of work, I managed to do pretty well. Got, like, my first 4.0 ever ... buuuut, the academic anxiety is kicking in. I catch myself wondering if my first semester was a fluke - maybe all the profs were just being nice to me? This anxiety goes way back and is not all unrealistic/unfounded. I've struggled in school much of my life. So far, I love this program - and I am quite sure I'll continue to, but I just hope I can hack it. I hope I can juggle being mom and being wife and being me and being a student. I know people manage to do this sort of thing all the time, but I am overwhelmed. I pray I will find my flow... and that my classes won't completely kick my ass.
3) I am taking on Tim's stress/anxiety/fears. This is not an accusatory statement, but there is truth in it. I love my husband dearly and as I empathize with the difficulties (occupational, spiritual, emotionally) that he's having, I am finding myself awake at night thinking about all the difficulties (tangible and intangible) that he is dealing with. I don't want him *not* to share what he's dealing with; in fact, I am thankful he shares with me as much as he does. But it is taking it's toll. I love him so much and I want him to feel happy and fulfilled by his work and his call. I want him to feel hopeful. I want to fix the situation (even though that isn't supposed to be my instinct) but it is clearer and clearer that there is no way I can do that. I am so very thankful we all have each other ... but we also need space to heal. But what will bring that healing? What can change? What can't? There are good days but there are also very bad days where it seems like he's given up and has no hope. It's very exhausting...
4) Grappling with changes in my Dad's life. I don't think I actually wrote about it in the summer, as I've been pretty inwardly focused this summer (having lost Clover about 6 weeks ago now), but my Dad and his lady friend of a few months, Linda, have decided to get married. I got to meet her when I was in Michigan earlier this summer, and she's lovely. I approve :) - and I am really very excited that they've decided to take the plunge. But truth be told, it's becoming more real now. Even though I am 11 hrs and 10 hours away (according to Google maps), I am getting emails from Dad talking about moving any remaining stuff out of the house - about meeting her kids/kid's spouses/grandkids and having a big old family get together over Christmas. Aaaand... it's overwhelming. I don't think Dad intends for us to turn into the Brady Bunch or anything, as we're all grown and not living at home anymore (as are her "kids") but it just feels like there's this ... expectation. And I don't know what to expect! I feel like my dad has expectations for what our relationships will be - and who can say what that would be?! I'm not saying there isn't potential for connection, but at this point ... we are all just strangers who have parents who are in love. And that's it. Yeah, we should probably become familiar with who everyone is ... but a big old holiday family get together sounds kind of insane to me right now. I love my dad dearly and want to support him, so getting "on board" with the whole idea is probably my best bet, but ... it still sounds insane. Gulp.
5) Tonight's icing on the damn cake: there is *something* making a damn racket in the laundry room/pantry. We have had critters before ... oh yes, we have. We're out in the country, it's been the dead of winter and our apartment has been a warm spot of refuge for the damn little beasts ... but for the love of all that is good and holy, it's September frickin' 2nd and it is NOT cold so get the hell out of my house! At least have the decency to be a little quieter and not make my skin crawl. I even, like, peeked in there 20 minutes or so ago (before I started this post) and turned the light on ... as if my scary presence would make it/them nervous and they'd pack up their mousie backpacks and leave. Of course, I saw nothing, but with all the damn noise, I half expected to see a chorus of mice having choir practice. Noisy little bastard(s). They need to go the HELL away, but that seems unlikely without our doing some damage to their living situation. GahhhHH!H!!
I think that's basically it. Think I'll have enough to talk about in therapy tomorrow? ;)
8.28.2010
on the move!
Eek. Double eek!!
We have a move in our imminent future, though we're not quite sure yet when this will all shake down. Yes, we found out yesterday afternoon that our app for an apartment got approved! I'd looked at several places a few weeks prior, then put the brakes on things while we tried to figure out some "life stuff" and then knowing a little more, we resumed looking.
On Tuesday, Maggie and I saw the nicest place yet, though I still wasn't sure it was quite the right place for us. (Reality check: no place may be at this point in our lives.) It's a big beautiful old Victorian mansion that has been restored and split into 5 apartments - and the place we looked at was the 2bed/1bath on the second floor. It's immaculate - and joy of joys for this renter whose been around the block a few times - they spray for bugs quarterly. (You don't realize what a gift that is until... yup, you've had bugs. *shudder*) More than I can say for some landlords, but I digress.... ;) It's within walking distance to just about everything (the church, downtown, farmer's market, the park) and though a smaller than our current dwelling (umm, and as everything is in our "price range"), it may work well for the foreseeable future. It will also require of us some major budgeting, but we knew this day would come ... and now we have to make it work!
Of course, moving into town we will lose some sweet comforts of living at "Casa Swank" ... freakloads of storage/space, yard to run around in, our own laundry, 2 baths and a dishwasher. (Oh my, life without a dishwasher. Sigh.) Living rent-free. (Oh Lordy, I will miss that.) And, well, the peace and serenity of the countryside and all that schtuff. ;) I have appreciated our time here in Trappe immensely and am thankful for the generosity of Bill and Lois, who opened their home to us. It allowed us to figure out what was important to us (renting vs. buying) and really, for me to be home (reasonably comfortably) with Maggie. I hope that with some adjustments to our budgeting and priorities, my being Maggie's full time mom and a full time student can continue.
But I am excited to get back into town ... I think it will help us to have more time together as a family ... do less driving and continue to figure out what our next steps are. In all honesty, there's a lot of uncertainty in our life right now, but we've got each other and now we know where we'll lay our heads in the coming months. Some of that uncertainty includes just how we're going to manage pulling off a move in the coming week(s)! EEK!
We meet with our new landlord early this afternoon to go over the rental agreement and whatnot, so we'll probably figure out the time line for the move then!
We have a move in our imminent future, though we're not quite sure yet when this will all shake down. Yes, we found out yesterday afternoon that our app for an apartment got approved! I'd looked at several places a few weeks prior, then put the brakes on things while we tried to figure out some "life stuff" and then knowing a little more, we resumed looking.
On Tuesday, Maggie and I saw the nicest place yet, though I still wasn't sure it was quite the right place for us. (Reality check: no place may be at this point in our lives.) It's a big beautiful old Victorian mansion that has been restored and split into 5 apartments - and the place we looked at was the 2bed/1bath on the second floor. It's immaculate - and joy of joys for this renter whose been around the block a few times - they spray for bugs quarterly. (You don't realize what a gift that is until... yup, you've had bugs. *shudder*) More than I can say for some landlords, but I digress.... ;) It's within walking distance to just about everything (the church, downtown, farmer's market, the park) and though a smaller than our current dwelling (umm, and as everything is in our "price range"), it may work well for the foreseeable future. It will also require of us some major budgeting, but we knew this day would come ... and now we have to make it work!
Of course, moving into town we will lose some sweet comforts of living at "Casa Swank" ... freakloads of storage/space, yard to run around in, our own laundry, 2 baths and a dishwasher. (Oh my, life without a dishwasher. Sigh.) Living rent-free. (Oh Lordy, I will miss that.) And, well, the peace and serenity of the countryside and all that schtuff. ;) I have appreciated our time here in Trappe immensely and am thankful for the generosity of Bill and Lois, who opened their home to us. It allowed us to figure out what was important to us (renting vs. buying) and really, for me to be home (reasonably comfortably) with Maggie. I hope that with some adjustments to our budgeting and priorities, my being Maggie's full time mom and a full time student can continue.
But I am excited to get back into town ... I think it will help us to have more time together as a family ... do less driving and continue to figure out what our next steps are. In all honesty, there's a lot of uncertainty in our life right now, but we've got each other and now we know where we'll lay our heads in the coming months. Some of that uncertainty includes just how we're going to manage pulling off a move in the coming week(s)! EEK!
We meet with our new landlord early this afternoon to go over the rental agreement and whatnot, so we'll probably figure out the time line for the move then!
7.22.2010
ugh
I need to write something... and I don't know that it will come out in it's entirety tonight. (Part of the problem is that though "resolved" - it's not. It's still a work in progress.) In fact, I really don't think I will write much tonight. But I do need to write something.
A little over a week ago, I had what I thought was a routine NT ultrasound. I'd had one before I left on vacation (end of June), but the baby was just shy of the 11-wk mark, so they couldn't do the measurement. I came back after spending a glorious 2+ weeks with family and friends, jaunting around MI, OH, and WV. Showing off my pregnant belly. Feeling good. Little did I know that when I came back for this routine ultrasound, that it wouldn't be routine at all.
My midwife broke the news to me that the u/s showed that Tiny Baby had something they determined to be anencephaly. This basically means, "without brain." As in, a brain just hadn't developed. This is simply "not compatible with life" (a phrase we heard many times over the last week). I guess this is quite rare, and they never really can say why this happens, but it sometimes does. It just made no sense. And it still doesn't.
We spent almost every day in the following week with a different specialist or another doctor. Ultrasounds that used to bring joy and hopeful anticipation instead brought tears, convulsions and trauma. One specialist expanded on anencephaly, by adding the term "anacrania." This basically means "without skull." So this may be obvious to you ... and somewhere inside, it was to me as well ... but this further confirmed that there is no way our baby could live past birth. I could continue to carry the baby, and it would likely even continue to take nourishment and grow ... but there was no way it could ever have a chance to live on the outside.
I had just come into my second trimester, so, keep in mind... that leaves me 2/3 of the way to go. 6 months of well-meaning, "How are you feeling?"s and "How's the baby?" and "What are you having?" 6 months of watching what should like hope grow ... but knowing with dread that when it came to the point to give birth, I would instead be in total despair. Maybe a stronger person than me could tell all those well meaning questioners and go through a "birth" like that - but I can't. I couldn't.
So my options did not feel like options. I'm thankful for "choice" but it did not feel like I had a choice. You never hear stories like this in the pro-choice/pro-life debates. If I had a choice my baby would have developed nice and normal brains and skull. My baby would live. My choices? Suffer now (already doing it) and/or suffer later (sure I will continue to do this).
But I am not pregnant anymore. We didn't know the gender (too early), but I had inklings and dreams it was a girl, so we call her Clover. And that's all I can write tonight.
A little over a week ago, I had what I thought was a routine NT ultrasound. I'd had one before I left on vacation (end of June), but the baby was just shy of the 11-wk mark, so they couldn't do the measurement. I came back after spending a glorious 2+ weeks with family and friends, jaunting around MI, OH, and WV. Showing off my pregnant belly. Feeling good. Little did I know that when I came back for this routine ultrasound, that it wouldn't be routine at all.
My midwife broke the news to me that the u/s showed that Tiny Baby had something they determined to be anencephaly. This basically means, "without brain." As in, a brain just hadn't developed. This is simply "not compatible with life" (a phrase we heard many times over the last week). I guess this is quite rare, and they never really can say why this happens, but it sometimes does. It just made no sense. And it still doesn't.
We spent almost every day in the following week with a different specialist or another doctor. Ultrasounds that used to bring joy and hopeful anticipation instead brought tears, convulsions and trauma. One specialist expanded on anencephaly, by adding the term "anacrania." This basically means "without skull." So this may be obvious to you ... and somewhere inside, it was to me as well ... but this further confirmed that there is no way our baby could live past birth. I could continue to carry the baby, and it would likely even continue to take nourishment and grow ... but there was no way it could ever have a chance to live on the outside.
I had just come into my second trimester, so, keep in mind... that leaves me 2/3 of the way to go. 6 months of well-meaning, "How are you feeling?"s and "How's the baby?" and "What are you having?" 6 months of watching what should like hope grow ... but knowing with dread that when it came to the point to give birth, I would instead be in total despair. Maybe a stronger person than me could tell all those well meaning questioners and go through a "birth" like that - but I can't. I couldn't.
So my options did not feel like options. I'm thankful for "choice" but it did not feel like I had a choice. You never hear stories like this in the pro-choice/pro-life debates. If I had a choice my baby would have developed nice and normal brains and skull. My baby would live. My choices? Suffer now (already doing it) and/or suffer later (sure I will continue to do this).
But I am not pregnant anymore. We didn't know the gender (too early), but I had inklings and dreams it was a girl, so we call her Clover. And that's all I can write tonight.
6.02.2010
wherein i am entitled and bitchy...
I hate to log in to write about feeling sorry for myself, but to some degree, I am today. *sigh* I look at my life and I do see blessings beyond measure ... but lately things just seem so damn difficult to stay on top of.
It's the... money issue. Again. Rearing it's ugly head. It never really goes away. I can ignore it for a spell here and there, but it's always looming. I am always feeling pulled in a million different directions and there are no easy answers. Yes, I am home with my daughter and have been since her birth, which has been such a joy. But it also has been a financial decision. Out here, childcare is SO expensive for one child (let alone two... more about that later *grin*) that nothing I could find for part-time work really could justify paying for childcare. That is, what I would have earned would just about cover the costs of childcare. This would not help us.
So I look at our budget/expenses/what goes out vs. what goes in, and while we can certainly tighten up in some areas, we're certainly not running around living a life of extravagance. We eat out a little too often. We probably don't need netflix. We fill up our cars regularly because we need to drive places. But these are the "big ticket" things we face monthly:
- 2 car payments (3 more months until we're down to 1! whoo!),
- internet/phones (Verizon owns our souls),
- a lump sum of utilities to our landlords (who are probably losing money on us),
- auto insurance,
- two of Tim's undergrad loans,
- and the never-ending effort of paying down our credit cards.
I think that's it - with occasional deductibles for our insurance. We're not even paying rent right now due to our swanky living setup (which will not last forever) ... but what happens when we need to start doing that again? This house is going to sell eventually, and we're going to need to be looking for housing. We rented a 2 bedroom duplex in town before we moved out to the country for about $900/mo. Do-able on 2 full time incomes. On one modest pastor's income? Not so much. (My entry level social services income was modest too, don't get me wrong, but together, it was doable).
I'm not saying I can't make adjustments to what we spend, but some things in our budget are just kind of set. Right now, everything just seems like a big expense. I am in school full time (pretty much straight up on federal loans, buying my books out of pocket) and I am a mom. I really don't see how I can squeeze a job into this as well. Because then childcare has to be factored in (no relatives near enough to drop off Maggs with) and how does school happen? All I qualify for right now are jobs that have very little earning potential. I want to get this degree so I can do what I feel called to do AND actually work in a field where I can earn a little bit more than minimum wage!
This is where I get all bitchy and entitled (you know, like the kind of people who drive me nuts). We live in a wealthy area; one of the wealthiest counties in MD (which, in turn, is one of the wealthier states in the good old US of A). Don't get me wrong - there are poor folks. There is a lot of disparity between the wealthy and the poor in this county. My husband is a pastor of a church where some people have way too much money. My husband works his ass off and is struggling with his health due to how much he invests in our church. He never got into the ministry thinking, "Ahh, here's where I'll make my millions!" (that would be ridiculous), but I just wish that 1) they would pay him with the costs of living in this county in mind, and 2) that he would be paid close to what synod guidelines suggest. They do not. They up it a little a bit annually (which I am thankful for, as many employers have not been able to do this during our country's economic woes), but it is nowhere close to what the synod asks congregations to compensate their pastors. So being bitchy and entitled and all, I just wish they would pay him a little more realistically. It would make a major difference in our lives and allow us to get out from under some of our pile of debt (which never gets much smaller for very long). If he was a single guy (without the family in tow), he would still have a lot of these expenses. Maybe one less car, less gasoline or groceries, but ... c'mon. Throw us a frickin' bone here...
What triggered all this pity and "whaa whaa, I am a victim of circumstance"? Well, there are some modestly big expenses looming that I am trying to be aware of:
- air conditioning in my car (going without does not work for MD summers!)
- visit to MI and back this summer (planning to do this in my currently a/c -less car). We'll be with family most of the time so it won't be extravagantly costly, but things always do come up...
- needing to get our taxes done (prep can be a little costly, but we have to have the help as our taxes are always screwy) sometime this summer/early fall
- a major increase in deductibles due to ... (well, *grin* again, but I'll get to that)...
So yeah. Feeling trapped. Not very empowered at all at the moment.
In hopes of dealing with my stress about all this, 1) I am blogging to get it off my chest, and 2) I think I will make a list of things I am thankful for:
- seeing Tim today, though he was busy. Maggie always benefits from seeing Daddy midday.
- living in a beautiful rent-free apartment. It won't be forever, but I am thankful we have it now.
- being home with my girl,
- being in the right academic program (even though it will take too long and cost way too much money, it totally is the right program),
- not having much morning sickness at all this time around, b/c
- oh yeah! I'm totes preggers. :) :) :)
(I will interrupt my list to let you know I have been to my OB/GYN/MW once so far, and that we think I am about 8 weeks along. Feeling really good for the most part, though I am tired many days. Haven't had a sonogram yet but my EDD - calculated by myself - would put me due somewhere around early-mid January 2011! Sonogram will be in about 3.5 weeks or so. Very excited, though much more aware of the work involved in having kids now, so it's a different kind of emotion! I will likely get thru my fall semester just fine and then take off the Spring '11 term while we adjust to life with 2 critters.)
Also thankful for
- good leads on finding a counselor (an "on-going pre-req" for my program),
- having a summer course under my belt for this term,
- my darling (learning all the time, growing like a weed, goofball of a) daughter,
- that she's napping right now and I can chill, :)
- growing friendships (it has taken a while, but it is happening - what a joy!),
- good health,
- my family,
- feeling good! (Yeah, I already mentioned this, but it would be a million times worse if I was constantly nauseated and had to keep my head in the toilet 24/7!)
You know, making those "thankfulness lists" really does help my perspective. I should try to do it more often!
It's the... money issue. Again. Rearing it's ugly head. It never really goes away. I can ignore it for a spell here and there, but it's always looming. I am always feeling pulled in a million different directions and there are no easy answers. Yes, I am home with my daughter and have been since her birth, which has been such a joy. But it also has been a financial decision. Out here, childcare is SO expensive for one child (let alone two... more about that later *grin*) that nothing I could find for part-time work really could justify paying for childcare. That is, what I would have earned would just about cover the costs of childcare. This would not help us.
So I look at our budget/expenses/what goes out vs. what goes in, and while we can certainly tighten up in some areas, we're certainly not running around living a life of extravagance. We eat out a little too often. We probably don't need netflix. We fill up our cars regularly because we need to drive places. But these are the "big ticket" things we face monthly:
- 2 car payments (3 more months until we're down to 1! whoo!),
- internet/phones (Verizon owns our souls),
- a lump sum of utilities to our landlords (who are probably losing money on us),
- auto insurance,
- two of Tim's undergrad loans,
- and the never-ending effort of paying down our credit cards.
I think that's it - with occasional deductibles for our insurance. We're not even paying rent right now due to our swanky living setup (which will not last forever) ... but what happens when we need to start doing that again? This house is going to sell eventually, and we're going to need to be looking for housing. We rented a 2 bedroom duplex in town before we moved out to the country for about $900/mo. Do-able on 2 full time incomes. On one modest pastor's income? Not so much. (My entry level social services income was modest too, don't get me wrong, but together, it was doable).
I'm not saying I can't make adjustments to what we spend, but some things in our budget are just kind of set. Right now, everything just seems like a big expense. I am in school full time (pretty much straight up on federal loans, buying my books out of pocket) and I am a mom. I really don't see how I can squeeze a job into this as well. Because then childcare has to be factored in (no relatives near enough to drop off Maggs with) and how does school happen? All I qualify for right now are jobs that have very little earning potential. I want to get this degree so I can do what I feel called to do AND actually work in a field where I can earn a little bit more than minimum wage!
This is where I get all bitchy and entitled (you know, like the kind of people who drive me nuts). We live in a wealthy area; one of the wealthiest counties in MD (which, in turn, is one of the wealthier states in the good old US of A). Don't get me wrong - there are poor folks. There is a lot of disparity between the wealthy and the poor in this county. My husband is a pastor of a church where some people have way too much money. My husband works his ass off and is struggling with his health due to how much he invests in our church. He never got into the ministry thinking, "Ahh, here's where I'll make my millions!" (that would be ridiculous), but I just wish that 1) they would pay him with the costs of living in this county in mind, and 2) that he would be paid close to what synod guidelines suggest. They do not. They up it a little a bit annually (which I am thankful for, as many employers have not been able to do this during our country's economic woes), but it is nowhere close to what the synod asks congregations to compensate their pastors. So being bitchy and entitled and all, I just wish they would pay him a little more realistically. It would make a major difference in our lives and allow us to get out from under some of our pile of debt (which never gets much smaller for very long). If he was a single guy (without the family in tow), he would still have a lot of these expenses. Maybe one less car, less gasoline or groceries, but ... c'mon. Throw us a frickin' bone here...
What triggered all this pity and "whaa whaa, I am a victim of circumstance"? Well, there are some modestly big expenses looming that I am trying to be aware of:
- air conditioning in my car (going without does not work for MD summers!)
- visit to MI and back this summer (planning to do this in my currently a/c -less car). We'll be with family most of the time so it won't be extravagantly costly, but things always do come up...
- needing to get our taxes done (prep can be a little costly, but we have to have the help as our taxes are always screwy) sometime this summer/early fall
- a major increase in deductibles due to ... (well, *grin* again, but I'll get to that)...
So yeah. Feeling trapped. Not very empowered at all at the moment.
In hopes of dealing with my stress about all this, 1) I am blogging to get it off my chest, and 2) I think I will make a list of things I am thankful for:
- seeing Tim today, though he was busy. Maggie always benefits from seeing Daddy midday.
- living in a beautiful rent-free apartment. It won't be forever, but I am thankful we have it now.
- being home with my girl,
- being in the right academic program (even though it will take too long and cost way too much money, it totally is the right program),
- not having much morning sickness at all this time around, b/c
- oh yeah! I'm totes preggers. :) :) :)
(I will interrupt my list to let you know I have been to my OB/GYN/MW once so far, and that we think I am about 8 weeks along. Feeling really good for the most part, though I am tired many days. Haven't had a sonogram yet but my EDD - calculated by myself - would put me due somewhere around early-mid January 2011! Sonogram will be in about 3.5 weeks or so. Very excited, though much more aware of the work involved in having kids now, so it's a different kind of emotion! I will likely get thru my fall semester just fine and then take off the Spring '11 term while we adjust to life with 2 critters.)
Also thankful for
- good leads on finding a counselor (an "on-going pre-req" for my program),
- having a summer course under my belt for this term,
- my darling (learning all the time, growing like a weed, goofball of a) daughter,
- that she's napping right now and I can chill, :)
- growing friendships (it has taken a while, but it is happening - what a joy!),
- good health,
- my family,
- feeling good! (Yeah, I already mentioned this, but it would be a million times worse if I was constantly nauseated and had to keep my head in the toilet 24/7!)
You know, making those "thankfulness lists" really does help my perspective. I should try to do it more often!
5.01.2010
can something good come from my lutheran guilt? :)
It looks like the answer may be "yes."
Something that fell by the wayside once I was getting back into the swing of being a student was ... the healthy joys of exercising. :) I have never had my "sport" or "exercise thing" that I just had to do (I am jealous of people who have those - ya knows, people who "have to" run??), but for periods, I do manage to get into a habit of getting my heart rate up, maybe lifting some small weights, or doing an exercise video of some sort. I did well in Montana when I belonged to a Curves-style place called Pick Up the Pace. I tend to be a pretty static 155 lbs these days, but when I was going there 4-5x a week, I tightened everything up and got down from 163 to 147. It was good for me - and it showed!
Well, once the studies kicked in ... exercise got itself kicked out of my schedule. So did Days of our Lives, fwiw, and I love that silly damn show... I tried propping my book up on our elliptical machine (my aerobic exercise of choice while the girl sleeps) so I could study/burn some calories, but it wasn't meant to be. Trying to read text while moving up and down left my head hurting and my tummy feeling yucky. With so much reading in my classes and an increasingly busy girl, it just... happened. :(
Today I am proud to announce that Tim and I dusted off the elliptical and both got workouts in. (He manages to go for much longer bouts than me, burning upwards of 1000 calories ... jerk.) ;) I am proud of us for "getting back on the horse" so to speak, but it makes me laugh that much of it may have been motivated by guilt. Ahh, my health insurance knows I'm Lutheran and they know how to reach me. We had the option to take this "health survey" that will give us money toward our deductibles and there are other incentives (working with a life coach over the phone and charts where we can track our progress) to earn more. So while these are all nice perks (we're both doing the life coach thing and probably the charts), I must say what got me going was having to write down that I wasn't working out anymore. And that I don't eat enough vegetables. Oh the shame. Oh the GUILT.
"But we'd been doing so good with the elliptical ... and cooking from scratch!" I sniffed to Tim. But that was before my semester was in full swing. Months ago. So when the questions asked, "How many days did you work out in the last 7?" I mean, I keep active with Maggie, but we aren't out going for jogs and doing yoga poses in the woods together. And as tempted as I was to lie to that silly website ... I couldn't... So I had to tell it the truth. And that judgmental jerk of a health assessment affirmed what I already stinkin' know - that I am overweight. I do need to exercise. I need to make better choices.
Maybe today's workout is born out of guilt for having to be honest with a damn computer, but nonetheless, this guilt will prove to be good for me. I hope I can get back into a routine and keep up a little better now that I am a "seasoned student" (whoo! 1 semester down - don't know my GPA yet, but it will either be 2 A's and a B+ ... or possibly 3 A's! I will report back). I am hoping that I can embrace some new healthy habits, lose a couple pounds, and get my energy back where it should be...
So thanks, Lutheran guilt, you're good for something. :)
Something that fell by the wayside once I was getting back into the swing of being a student was ... the healthy joys of exercising. :) I have never had my "sport" or "exercise thing" that I just had to do (I am jealous of people who have those - ya knows, people who "have to" run??), but for periods, I do manage to get into a habit of getting my heart rate up, maybe lifting some small weights, or doing an exercise video of some sort. I did well in Montana when I belonged to a Curves-style place called Pick Up the Pace. I tend to be a pretty static 155 lbs these days, but when I was going there 4-5x a week, I tightened everything up and got down from 163 to 147. It was good for me - and it showed!
Well, once the studies kicked in ... exercise got itself kicked out of my schedule. So did Days of our Lives, fwiw, and I love that silly damn show... I tried propping my book up on our elliptical machine (my aerobic exercise of choice while the girl sleeps) so I could study/burn some calories, but it wasn't meant to be. Trying to read text while moving up and down left my head hurting and my tummy feeling yucky. With so much reading in my classes and an increasingly busy girl, it just... happened. :(
Today I am proud to announce that Tim and I dusted off the elliptical and both got workouts in. (He manages to go for much longer bouts than me, burning upwards of 1000 calories ... jerk.) ;) I am proud of us for "getting back on the horse" so to speak, but it makes me laugh that much of it may have been motivated by guilt. Ahh, my health insurance knows I'm Lutheran and they know how to reach me. We had the option to take this "health survey" that will give us money toward our deductibles and there are other incentives (working with a life coach over the phone and charts where we can track our progress) to earn more. So while these are all nice perks (we're both doing the life coach thing and probably the charts), I must say what got me going was having to write down that I wasn't working out anymore. And that I don't eat enough vegetables. Oh the shame. Oh the GUILT.
"But we'd been doing so good with the elliptical ... and cooking from scratch!" I sniffed to Tim. But that was before my semester was in full swing. Months ago. So when the questions asked, "How many days did you work out in the last 7?" I mean, I keep active with Maggie, but we aren't out going for jogs and doing yoga poses in the woods together. And as tempted as I was to lie to that silly website ... I couldn't... So I had to tell it the truth. And that judgmental jerk of a health assessment affirmed what I already stinkin' know - that I am overweight. I do need to exercise. I need to make better choices.
Maybe today's workout is born out of guilt for having to be honest with a damn computer, but nonetheless, this guilt will prove to be good for me. I hope I can get back into a routine and keep up a little better now that I am a "seasoned student" (whoo! 1 semester down - don't know my GPA yet, but it will either be 2 A's and a B+ ... or possibly 3 A's! I will report back). I am hoping that I can embrace some new healthy habits, lose a couple pounds, and get my energy back where it should be...
So thanks, Lutheran guilt, you're good for something. :)
4.27.2010
ugh. fear fear fear...
Don't get me wrong. I sometimes will worry that if I don't provide enough structure/discipline/hugs/fruits & veggies that my child will morph into a sociopath. I will sometimes worry that if she has her nuk too long or squeals all the time instead of "using" her "words" that she'll be a "terrible two" until she's 14. Sometimes I worry about the state of this world and the people in it and the sad fact that I can never completely prevent her from encountering tragedies and the fallen condition of this world. Some of these fears are irrational, yes - but some of them come out of good wanting-to-provide-the-best-I-can-for-my-kiddo place. You can't live your life without some worries, some anxiety, some fear...
But let me say this plainly - I refuse to let my life be ruled by fear.
And in turn, I don't plan to "pass on" this fear to my daughter. She will find her own things in life to be anxious or concerned about (unless she truly does end up being a sociopath - the jury is still out). ;) I definitely have some strong feelings about parenting and following my instincts and learning what I can as a parent, but I don't think it is my place to condemn other parents for the choices they make with their kids. Part of the reason I blog here - with a limited audience - is so I can get some of these "strong feelings" out without dumping them on other people. (If you choose to read mine, then you know you're getting my opinion on things!) Basically, I'm not going to get into a flame war on a blog and talk sh** like I am the parenting expert of the world. Unless a kid were truly in a dangerous situation, I would be very hesitant to throw in my two cents. Because let's face it - people raise their children in many many different ways and generally, if the children are loved and fed and clothed, they will turn out to be reasonably happy and competent adult people.
I guess this comes out of some communities I read on the internet. Some involve friends of whom I've read blogs for a long time. So many of them inspire me and motivate me and support me! But there is always such a consistent streak of fear in this day and age ... people with varying histories and experiences living lives ruled by fear ... trying to protect their kids from molesters at Wal-Mart, not letting their children experience much of anything independently because "something could happen!" Passing on that fear. No, I am not going to turn my almost 2yo loose on a busy street so she can "experience" dodging cars and running for her life. But I also plan to teach her as much as I can about life so she can make good decisions and feel the triumph and joy of doing things herself ... building confidence in herself as the wonderful little creation that she is.
Some parents call this "letting your kids run around with no supervision" or "not giving a damn about your child" and say things like, "Well excuse me for watching my kid!" I applaud their diligence and their care for their kids ... but what I proposed above =/= not giving a damn about my child. Oh believe me, I give LOTS of damns! There is plenty in this world that is out of our control and while I wish we could control some of these things, I don't think the answer is not to never let my child out of my sight. It's hard enough to "let go" and make the decision to go back to work or put your child in daycare or with a babysitter. But I think it comes down to building relationships and learning to trust. It can be very hard to do in this media-saturated world where all we ever hear is "OMG! Molestors r everywherez!"
But I think the gifts we get to pass on ...
- confidence
- joy
- accomplishment
- self-esteem
- hopefulness
- imagination
... are all going to be well worth it. Again, my almost 2yo will not be running in traffic or sailing around the world by herself anytime soon. You can bet your butt that if I am not right by her side, I am probably just a few steps away. But you can also bet your butt that as much as I may want to, I cannot control everything my child encounters in the world. That can be kind of scary. But it will probably also be OK. And if it isn't ... we will find a way to work through it together.
I once was at the park with my daughter and struck up a conversation with another mama wearing her baby (as a former baby-wearer I was impressed with her cool sling). She also had a 3 or 4 year old running around on the slides. We walked and followed our kids who were playing in about the same area. We had some things in common (cloth diapering and baby-wearing and having a faith life) but I could tell pretty quickly we didn't agree on everything in life pretty quickly, but initially, the mama-company was a nice thing.
But soon it divulged into...
- I'd used the wrong kind of carrier (a Baby Bjorn) with Maggie and could have caused her to have hip displasia.
- I was crazy if I thought about enrolling my kids in public school because they had lockdowns from time to time in our local district (nothing had really happened, though there had initally been cause for concern).
- Her other worry about public schools being that they are "indoctrinating kids" with "social agendas."
- Her not liking the park's enclosure fence around the play area because it was "too low" (it's up to my chest, but mind you, I am short) and "someone could just reach in and take the kids."
Fear fear fear. Ruling her life. And she was trying to pass it on to me, for all it was worth - but phew, I guess I had my forcefield up at that afternoon! ;) I'm sorry - life truly does have it's ups and it's downs. Things are not sunshine, lollipops and rainbows at every hour, but think about what you're passing down if you live your life ruled by fear: anxiety, distrust, paranoia, tenuous relationships. It's a pretty sad picture to me. But then, your kid might not need to build any relationships or trust anyone other than you if he lives with you until you're 86.
I love my child dearly. And while there may be some very good things to be cautious about in life, we'll figure out (together, I hope) what our responses should be.
But living ruled by fear? Sorry. I won't live that way.
But let me say this plainly - I refuse to let my life be ruled by fear.
And in turn, I don't plan to "pass on" this fear to my daughter. She will find her own things in life to be anxious or concerned about (unless she truly does end up being a sociopath - the jury is still out). ;) I definitely have some strong feelings about parenting and following my instincts and learning what I can as a parent, but I don't think it is my place to condemn other parents for the choices they make with their kids. Part of the reason I blog here - with a limited audience - is so I can get some of these "strong feelings" out without dumping them on other people. (If you choose to read mine, then you know you're getting my opinion on things!) Basically, I'm not going to get into a flame war on a blog and talk sh** like I am the parenting expert of the world. Unless a kid were truly in a dangerous situation, I would be very hesitant to throw in my two cents. Because let's face it - people raise their children in many many different ways and generally, if the children are loved and fed and clothed, they will turn out to be reasonably happy and competent adult people.
I guess this comes out of some communities I read on the internet. Some involve friends of whom I've read blogs for a long time. So many of them inspire me and motivate me and support me! But there is always such a consistent streak of fear in this day and age ... people with varying histories and experiences living lives ruled by fear ... trying to protect their kids from molesters at Wal-Mart, not letting their children experience much of anything independently because "something could happen!" Passing on that fear. No, I am not going to turn my almost 2yo loose on a busy street so she can "experience" dodging cars and running for her life. But I also plan to teach her as much as I can about life so she can make good decisions and feel the triumph and joy of doing things herself ... building confidence in herself as the wonderful little creation that she is.
Some parents call this "letting your kids run around with no supervision" or "not giving a damn about your child" and say things like, "Well excuse me for watching my kid!" I applaud their diligence and their care for their kids ... but what I proposed above =/= not giving a damn about my child. Oh believe me, I give LOTS of damns! There is plenty in this world that is out of our control and while I wish we could control some of these things, I don't think the answer is not to never let my child out of my sight. It's hard enough to "let go" and make the decision to go back to work or put your child in daycare or with a babysitter. But I think it comes down to building relationships and learning to trust. It can be very hard to do in this media-saturated world where all we ever hear is "OMG! Molestors r everywherez!"
But I think the gifts we get to pass on ...
- confidence
- joy
- accomplishment
- self-esteem
- hopefulness
- imagination
... are all going to be well worth it. Again, my almost 2yo will not be running in traffic or sailing around the world by herself anytime soon. You can bet your butt that if I am not right by her side, I am probably just a few steps away. But you can also bet your butt that as much as I may want to, I cannot control everything my child encounters in the world. That can be kind of scary. But it will probably also be OK. And if it isn't ... we will find a way to work through it together.
I once was at the park with my daughter and struck up a conversation with another mama wearing her baby (as a former baby-wearer I was impressed with her cool sling). She also had a 3 or 4 year old running around on the slides. We walked and followed our kids who were playing in about the same area. We had some things in common (cloth diapering and baby-wearing and having a faith life) but I could tell pretty quickly we didn't agree on everything in life pretty quickly, but initially, the mama-company was a nice thing.
But soon it divulged into...
- I'd used the wrong kind of carrier (a Baby Bjorn) with Maggie and could have caused her to have hip displasia.
- I was crazy if I thought about enrolling my kids in public school because they had lockdowns from time to time in our local district (nothing had really happened, though there had initally been cause for concern).
- Her other worry about public schools being that they are "indoctrinating kids" with "social agendas."
- Her not liking the park's enclosure fence around the play area because it was "too low" (it's up to my chest, but mind you, I am short) and "someone could just reach in and take the kids."
Fear fear fear. Ruling her life. And she was trying to pass it on to me, for all it was worth - but phew, I guess I had my forcefield up at that afternoon! ;) I'm sorry - life truly does have it's ups and it's downs. Things are not sunshine, lollipops and rainbows at every hour, but think about what you're passing down if you live your life ruled by fear: anxiety, distrust, paranoia, tenuous relationships. It's a pretty sad picture to me. But then, your kid might not need to build any relationships or trust anyone other than you if he lives with you until you're 86.
I love my child dearly. And while there may be some very good things to be cautious about in life, we'll figure out (together, I hope) what our responses should be.
But living ruled by fear? Sorry. I won't live that way.
3.27.2010
brrr!!
Ever since the initial spring-like weather about week or so ago, Maggie and I have been itching to get outside for a stretch at least once or twice a day! Of course, being springtime, the weather is fickle ... beautiful sunshine and 65 degrees one day, and torrential downpours and wind the next. Today we got tricked! Maggie and I played inside much of the morning, but the sun was so bright ... her room was warming up nicely, so we got dressed, shoe-d and headed out...
... and ran back in for coats! So we got "coated" too, and then headed out to play. Well, the porch was in the shade and that was way too cold! Maggie kept saying, "Water!" and hinting she was very interested in playing at her water table. I'm not sure she got it when I tried to explain that we just might freeze if we played with water in this chilly weather...
So I distracted her. We trooped around the garden and driveway and stayed reasonably comfortable when not in the shade. Eventually our teeth were chattering and Maggie was calling on "Charlie" (this means "It's chilly!") so we headed in. After eating some lunch, I get online to see it's 41-frickin'-degrees! No wonder we were so cold ... I thought we were just being wussy! C'mon spring, get your act together and bring us some sunshiney-love! :)
Also getting a slightly more "Charlie" reception, our friend the potty. For the last few days, Maggie has not shown as much interest. And though she has managed to poop in the potty twice, she's becoming increasingly freaked out by the idea of "transacting" that kind of "business" in the potty. So we'll step back a little for now, take it easy ... this will not become a battle of the wills, because we all know who would win! ;)
... and ran back in for coats! So we got "coated" too, and then headed out to play. Well, the porch was in the shade and that was way too cold! Maggie kept saying, "Water!" and hinting she was very interested in playing at her water table. I'm not sure she got it when I tried to explain that we just might freeze if we played with water in this chilly weather...
So I distracted her. We trooped around the garden and driveway and stayed reasonably comfortable when not in the shade. Eventually our teeth were chattering and Maggie was calling on "Charlie" (this means "It's chilly!") so we headed in. After eating some lunch, I get online to see it's 41-frickin'-degrees! No wonder we were so cold ... I thought we were just being wussy! C'mon spring, get your act together and bring us some sunshiney-love! :)
Also getting a slightly more "Charlie" reception, our friend the potty. For the last few days, Maggie has not shown as much interest. And though she has managed to poop in the potty twice, she's becoming increasingly freaked out by the idea of "transacting" that kind of "business" in the potty. So we'll step back a little for now, take it easy ... this will not become a battle of the wills, because we all know who would win! ;)
3.15.2010
maggie's world... potty time ... excellent!
By the time we got back from our "spring break" in snowy Michigan (during the first week of March ... brrr, I suppose it was spring somewhere), a package had arrived and was sitting on our landlord's doorstep. What ever could it be??
We had ordered a potty chair since Maggie was announcing things like, "Poop?" when we'd hear that she was working on her "business." We had also ordered a little book called Big Girls Use the Potty in order to spend $30 and get free shipping. Our plan was to just take it waaaay easy and be very casual about things. We didn't want to push the potty training issue on Maggie, as she still is quite young to be thinking about such things. We just set it out in her bathroom and showed her that she had a new book to look at.
It has been a surprise to me - but she has taken right to it! She loves the little book and walks around saying, "Potty!" In the last couple days, she has been sitting on the potty a couple times daily AND actually peeing. (We weren't going to jump into rewarding her with stickers on a chart, but since she has taken interest, we put it up.) This morning she even pooped, which surprised me to no end. She normally would pee and talk about "poop?" but not sit still long enough to really... transact any business. Yet today ... she did! Wow!
I somehow think the thrill won't last and we'll be back where we started in no time, but since she has shown interest (and even some proficiency), I did actually order some cloth pull-up training pants. Might as well run with it since she is interested, I guess! And though she's still a little young to have a handle on undressing herself, these might be a little easier to get out of than a diaper, a cover, and a snappi. :)
We had ordered a potty chair since Maggie was announcing things like, "Poop?" when we'd hear that she was working on her "business." We had also ordered a little book called Big Girls Use the Potty in order to spend $30 and get free shipping. Our plan was to just take it waaaay easy and be very casual about things. We didn't want to push the potty training issue on Maggie, as she still is quite young to be thinking about such things. We just set it out in her bathroom and showed her that she had a new book to look at.
It has been a surprise to me - but she has taken right to it! She loves the little book and walks around saying, "Potty!" In the last couple days, she has been sitting on the potty a couple times daily AND actually peeing. (We weren't going to jump into rewarding her with stickers on a chart, but since she has taken interest, we put it up.) This morning she even pooped, which surprised me to no end. She normally would pee and talk about "poop?" but not sit still long enough to really... transact any business. Yet today ... she did! Wow!
I somehow think the thrill won't last and we'll be back where we started in no time, but since she has shown interest (and even some proficiency), I did actually order some cloth pull-up training pants. Might as well run with it since she is interested, I guess! And though she's still a little young to have a handle on undressing herself, these might be a little easier to get out of than a diaper, a cover, and a snappi. :)
1.29.2010
1.11.2010
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