butterflies...

I want to go to bed, but ... I have a nervous tummy ... butterflies.

There is good reason for the butterflies, I suppose. It's not just one thing, but many things:

1) We move a week from tomorrow. Yup, we set the date at the end of August and paid our deposit and first month's rent (pro-rated) and September 10 kind of *sounded* far enough off, but now ... it's a week away. Casa Swank is a mess and rapidly becoming less and less livable as it always tricky to know what you need and what you don't. We also *need* more boxes right now. I'd like to direct some of my nervous energies into packing boxes, but I'm out of them! Grr. Tomorrow I'll pick some more up from Railway. Anyhow, bags of trash are getting filled, bags of donations for Goodwill are piling up, boxes and suitcases are getting filled up ... and I can't find a darn sippy cup or nuk for Maggs. Simply put, it's chaos. We're making good enough progress, but alas, there is still SO much to do!

2) I start classes a week from today. Oh boy, lots of butterflies in this department. I know the big hurdle was going back in January this year, and I did that - yahoo for me ;) - and with a lot of work, I managed to do pretty well. Got, like, my first 4.0 ever ... buuuut, the academic anxiety is kicking in. I catch myself wondering if my first semester was a fluke - maybe all the profs were just being nice to me? This anxiety goes way back and is not all unrealistic/unfounded. I've struggled in school much of my life. So far, I love this program - and I am quite sure I'll continue to, but I just hope I can hack it. I hope I can juggle being mom and being wife and being me and being a student. I know people manage to do this sort of thing all the time, but I am overwhelmed. I pray I will find my flow... and that my classes won't completely kick my ass.

3) I am taking on Tim's stress/anxiety/fears. This is not an accusatory statement, but there is truth in it. I love my husband dearly and as I empathize with the difficulties (occupational, spiritual, emotionally) that he's having, I am finding myself awake at night thinking about all the difficulties (tangible and intangible) that he is dealing with. I don't want him *not* to share what he's dealing with; in fact, I am thankful he shares with me as much as he does. But it is taking it's toll. I love him so much and I want him to feel happy and fulfilled by his work and his call. I want him to feel hopeful. I want to fix the situation (even though that isn't supposed to be my instinct) but it is clearer and clearer that there is no way I can do that. I am so very thankful we all have each other ... but we also need space to heal. But what will bring that healing? What can change? What can't? There are good days but there are also very bad days where it seems like he's given up and has no hope. It's very exhausting...

4) Grappling with changes in my Dad's life. I don't think I actually wrote about it in the summer, as I've been pretty inwardly focused this summer (having lost Clover about 6 weeks ago now), but my Dad and his lady friend of a few months, Linda, have decided to get married. I got to meet her when I was in Michigan earlier this summer, and she's lovely. I approve :) - and I am really very excited that they've decided to take the plunge. But truth be told, it's becoming more real now. Even though I am 11 hrs and 10 hours away (according to Google maps), I am getting emails from Dad talking about moving any remaining stuff out of the house - about meeting her kids/kid's spouses/grandkids and having a big old family get together over Christmas. Aaaand... it's overwhelming. I don't think Dad intends for us to turn into the Brady Bunch or anything, as we're all grown and not living at home anymore (as are her "kids") but it just feels like there's this ... expectation. And I don't know what to expect! I feel like my dad has expectations for what our relationships will be - and who can say what that would be?! I'm not saying there isn't potential for connection, but at this point ... we are all just strangers who have parents who are in love. And that's it. Yeah, we should probably become familiar with who everyone is ... but a big old holiday family get together sounds kind of insane to me right now. I love my dad dearly and want to support him, so getting "on board" with the whole idea is probably my best bet, but ... it still sounds insane. Gulp.

5) Tonight's icing on the damn cake: there is *something* making a damn racket in the laundry room/pantry. We have had critters before ... oh yes, we have. We're out in the country, it's been the dead of winter and our apartment has been a warm spot of refuge for the damn little beasts ... but for the love of all that is good and holy, it's September frickin' 2nd and it is NOT cold so get the hell out of my house! At least have the decency to be a little quieter and not make my skin crawl. I even, like, peeked in there 20 minutes or so ago (before I started this post) and turned the light on ... as if my scary presence would make it/them nervous and they'd pack up their mousie backpacks and leave. Of course, I saw nothing, but with all the damn noise, I half expected to see a chorus of mice having choir practice. Noisy little bastard(s). They need to go the HELL away, but that seems unlikely without our doing some damage to their living situation. GahhhHH!H!!

I think that's basically it. Think I'll have enough to talk about in therapy tomorrow? ;)