Don't get me wrong. I sometimes will worry that if I don't provide enough structure/discipline/hugs/fruits & veggies that my child will morph into a sociopath. I will sometimes worry that if she has her nuk too long or squeals all the time instead of "using" her "words" that she'll be a "terrible two" until she's 14. Sometimes I worry about the state of this world and the people in it and the sad fact that I can never completely prevent her from encountering tragedies and the fallen condition of this world. Some of these fears are irrational, yes - but some of them come out of good wanting-to-provide-the-best-I-can-for-my-kiddo place. You can't live your life without some worries, some anxiety, some fear...
But let me say this plainly - I refuse to let my life be ruled by fear.
And in turn, I don't plan to "pass on" this fear to my daughter. She will find her own things in life to be anxious or concerned about (unless she truly does end up being a sociopath - the jury is still out). ;) I definitely have some strong feelings about parenting and following my instincts and learning what I can as a parent, but I don't think it is my place to condemn other parents for the choices they make with their kids. Part of the reason I blog here - with a limited audience - is so I can get some of these "strong feelings" out without dumping them on other people. (If you choose to read mine, then you know you're getting my opinion on things!) Basically, I'm not going to get into a flame war on a blog and talk sh** like I am the parenting expert of the world. Unless a kid were truly in a dangerous situation, I would be very hesitant to throw in my two cents. Because let's face it - people raise their children in many many different ways and generally, if the children are loved and fed and clothed, they will turn out to be reasonably happy and competent adult people.
I guess this comes out of some communities I read on the internet. Some involve friends of whom I've read blogs for a long time. So many of them inspire me and motivate me and support me! But there is always such a consistent streak of fear in this day and age ... people with varying histories and experiences living lives ruled by fear ... trying to protect their kids from molesters at Wal-Mart, not letting their children experience much of anything independently because "something could happen!" Passing on that fear. No, I am not going to turn my almost 2yo loose on a busy street so she can "experience" dodging cars and running for her life. But I also plan to teach her as much as I can about life so she can make good decisions and feel the triumph and joy of doing things herself ... building confidence in herself as the wonderful little creation that she is.
Some parents call this "letting your kids run around with no supervision" or "not giving a damn about your child" and say things like, "Well excuse me for watching my kid!" I applaud their diligence and their care for their kids ... but what I proposed above =/= not giving a damn about my child. Oh believe me, I give LOTS of damns! There is plenty in this world that is out of our control and while I wish we could control some of these things, I don't think the answer is not to never let my child out of my sight. It's hard enough to "let go" and make the decision to go back to work or put your child in daycare or with a babysitter. But I think it comes down to building relationships and learning to trust. It can be very hard to do in this media-saturated world where all we ever hear is "OMG! Molestors r everywherez!"
But I think the gifts we get to pass on ...
- confidence
- joy
- accomplishment
- self-esteem
- hopefulness
- imagination
... are all going to be well worth it. Again, my almost 2yo will not be running in traffic or sailing around the world by herself anytime soon. You can bet your butt that if I am not right by her side, I am probably just a few steps away. But you can also bet your butt that as much as I may want to, I cannot control everything my child encounters in the world. That can be kind of scary. But it will probably also be OK. And if it isn't ... we will find a way to work through it together.
I once was at the park with my daughter and struck up a conversation with another mama wearing her baby (as a former baby-wearer I was impressed with her cool sling). She also had a 3 or 4 year old running around on the slides. We walked and followed our kids who were playing in about the same area. We had some things in common (cloth diapering and baby-wearing and having a faith life) but I could tell pretty quickly we didn't agree on everything in life pretty quickly, but initially, the mama-company was a nice thing.
But soon it divulged into...
- I'd used the wrong kind of carrier (a Baby Bjorn) with Maggie and could have caused her to have hip displasia.
- I was crazy if I thought about enrolling my kids in public school because they had lockdowns from time to time in our local district (nothing had really happened, though there had initally been cause for concern).
- Her other worry about public schools being that they are "indoctrinating kids" with "social agendas."
- Her not liking the park's enclosure fence around the play area because it was "too low" (it's up to my chest, but mind you, I am short) and "someone could just reach in and take the kids."
Fear fear fear. Ruling her life. And she was trying to pass it on to me, for all it was worth - but phew, I guess I had my forcefield up at that afternoon! ;) I'm sorry - life truly does have it's ups and it's downs. Things are not sunshine, lollipops and rainbows at every hour, but think about what you're passing down if you live your life ruled by fear: anxiety, distrust, paranoia, tenuous relationships. It's a pretty sad picture to me. But then, your kid might not need to build any relationships or trust anyone other than you if he lives with you until you're 86.
I love my child dearly. And while there may be some very good things to be cautious about in life, we'll figure out (together, I hope) what our responses should be.
But living ruled by fear? Sorry. I won't live that way.
