I hate to log in to write about feeling sorry for myself, but to some degree, I am today. *sigh* I look at my life and I do see blessings beyond measure ... but lately things just seem so damn difficult to stay on top of.
It's the... money issue. Again. Rearing it's ugly head. It never really goes away. I can ignore it for a spell here and there, but it's always looming. I am always feeling pulled in a million different directions and there are no easy answers. Yes, I am home with my daughter and have been since her birth, which has been such a joy. But it also has been a financial decision. Out here, childcare is SO expensive for one child (let alone two... more about that later *grin*) that nothing I could find for part-time work really could justify paying for childcare. That is, what I would have earned would just about cover the costs of childcare. This would not help us.
So I look at our budget/expenses/what goes out vs. what goes in, and while we can certainly tighten up in some areas, we're certainly not running around living a life of extravagance. We eat out a little too often. We probably don't need netflix. We fill up our cars regularly because we need to drive places. But these are the "big ticket" things we face monthly:
- 2 car payments (3 more months until we're down to 1! whoo!),
- internet/phones (Verizon owns our souls),
- a lump sum of utilities to our landlords (who are probably losing money on us),
- auto insurance,
- two of Tim's undergrad loans,
- and the never-ending effort of paying down our credit cards.
I think that's it - with occasional deductibles for our insurance. We're not even paying rent right now due to our swanky living setup (which will not last forever) ... but what happens when we need to start doing that again? This house is going to sell eventually, and we're going to need to be looking for housing. We rented a 2 bedroom duplex in town before we moved out to the country for about $900/mo. Do-able on 2 full time incomes. On one modest pastor's income? Not so much. (My entry level social services income was modest too, don't get me wrong, but together, it was doable).
I'm not saying I can't make adjustments to what we spend, but some things in our budget are just kind of set. Right now, everything just seems like a big expense. I am in school full time (pretty much straight up on federal loans, buying my books out of pocket) and I am a mom. I really don't see how I can squeeze a job into this as well. Because then childcare has to be factored in (no relatives near enough to drop off Maggs with) and how does school happen? All I qualify for right now are jobs that have very little earning potential. I want to get this degree so I can do what I feel called to do AND actually work in a field where I can earn a little bit more than minimum wage!
This is where I get all bitchy and entitled (you know, like the kind of people who drive me nuts). We live in a wealthy area; one of the wealthiest counties in MD (which, in turn, is one of the wealthier states in the good old US of A). Don't get me wrong - there are poor folks. There is a lot of disparity between the wealthy and the poor in this county. My husband is a pastor of a church where some people have way too much money. My husband works his ass off and is struggling with his health due to how much he invests in our church. He never got into the ministry thinking, "Ahh, here's where I'll make my millions!" (that would be ridiculous), but I just wish that 1) they would pay him with the costs of living in this county in mind, and 2) that he would be paid close to what synod guidelines suggest. They do not. They up it a little a bit annually (which I am thankful for, as many employers have not been able to do this during our country's economic woes), but it is nowhere close to what the synod asks congregations to compensate their pastors. So being bitchy and entitled and all, I just wish they would pay him a little more realistically. It would make a major difference in our lives and allow us to get out from under some of our pile of debt (which never gets much smaller for very long). If he was a single guy (without the family in tow), he would still have a lot of these expenses. Maybe one less car, less gasoline or groceries, but ... c'mon. Throw us a frickin' bone here...
What triggered all this pity and "whaa whaa, I am a victim of circumstance"? Well, there are some modestly big expenses looming that I am trying to be aware of:
- air conditioning in my car (going without does not work for MD summers!)
- visit to MI and back this summer (planning to do this in my currently a/c -less car). We'll be with family most of the time so it won't be extravagantly costly, but things always do come up...
- needing to get our taxes done (prep can be a little costly, but we have to have the help as our taxes are always screwy) sometime this summer/early fall
- a major increase in deductibles due to ... (well, *grin* again, but I'll get to that)...
So yeah. Feeling trapped. Not very empowered at all at the moment.
In hopes of dealing with my stress about all this, 1) I am blogging to get it off my chest, and 2) I think I will make a list of things I am thankful for:
- seeing Tim today, though he was busy. Maggie always benefits from seeing Daddy midday.
- living in a beautiful rent-free apartment. It won't be forever, but I am thankful we have it now.
- being home with my girl,
- being in the right academic program (even though it will take too long and cost way too much money, it totally is the right program),
- not having much morning sickness at all this time around, b/c
- oh yeah! I'm totes preggers. :) :) :)
(I will interrupt my list to let you know I have been to my OB/GYN/MW once so far, and that we think I am about 8 weeks along. Feeling really good for the most part, though I am tired many days. Haven't had a sonogram yet but my EDD - calculated by myself - would put me due somewhere around early-mid January 2011! Sonogram will be in about 3.5 weeks or so. Very excited, though much more aware of the work involved in having kids now, so it's a different kind of emotion! I will likely get thru my fall semester just fine and then take off the Spring '11 term while we adjust to life with 2 critters.)
Also thankful for
- good leads on finding a counselor (an "on-going pre-req" for my program),
- having a summer course under my belt for this term,
- my darling (learning all the time, growing like a weed, goofball of a) daughter,
- that she's napping right now and I can chill, :)
- growing friendships (it has taken a while, but it is happening - what a joy!),
- good health,
- my family,
- feeling good! (Yeah, I already mentioned this, but it would be a million times worse if I was constantly nauseated and had to keep my head in the toilet 24/7!)
You know, making those "thankfulness lists" really does help my perspective. I should try to do it more often!
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