Eek. Double eek!!
We have a move in our imminent future, though we're not quite sure yet when this will all shake down. Yes, we found out yesterday afternoon that our app for an apartment got approved! I'd looked at several places a few weeks prior, then put the brakes on things while we tried to figure out some "life stuff" and then knowing a little more, we resumed looking.
On Tuesday, Maggie and I saw the nicest place yet, though I still wasn't sure it was quite the right place for us. (Reality check: no place may be at this point in our lives.) It's a big beautiful old Victorian mansion that has been restored and split into 5 apartments - and the place we looked at was the 2bed/1bath on the second floor. It's immaculate - and joy of joys for this renter whose been around the block a few times - they spray for bugs quarterly. (You don't realize what a gift that is until... yup, you've had bugs. *shudder*) More than I can say for some landlords, but I digress.... ;) It's within walking distance to just about everything (the church, downtown, farmer's market, the park) and though a smaller than our current dwelling (umm, and as everything is in our "price range"), it may work well for the foreseeable future. It will also require of us some major budgeting, but we knew this day would come ... and now we have to make it work!
Of course, moving into town we will lose some sweet comforts of living at "Casa Swank" ... freakloads of storage/space, yard to run around in, our own laundry, 2 baths and a dishwasher. (Oh my, life without a dishwasher. Sigh.) Living rent-free. (Oh Lordy, I will miss that.) And, well, the peace and serenity of the countryside and all that schtuff. ;) I have appreciated our time here in Trappe immensely and am thankful for the generosity of Bill and Lois, who opened their home to us. It allowed us to figure out what was important to us (renting vs. buying) and really, for me to be home (reasonably comfortably) with Maggie. I hope that with some adjustments to our budgeting and priorities, my being Maggie's full time mom and a full time student can continue.
But I am excited to get back into town ... I think it will help us to have more time together as a family ... do less driving and continue to figure out what our next steps are. In all honesty, there's a lot of uncertainty in our life right now, but we've got each other and now we know where we'll lay our heads in the coming months. Some of that uncertainty includes just how we're going to manage pulling off a move in the coming week(s)! EEK!
We meet with our new landlord early this afternoon to go over the rental agreement and whatnot, so we'll probably figure out the time line for the move then!
8.28.2010
7.22.2010
ugh
I need to write something... and I don't know that it will come out in it's entirety tonight. (Part of the problem is that though "resolved" - it's not. It's still a work in progress.) In fact, I really don't think I will write much tonight. But I do need to write something.
A little over a week ago, I had what I thought was a routine NT ultrasound. I'd had one before I left on vacation (end of June), but the baby was just shy of the 11-wk mark, so they couldn't do the measurement. I came back after spending a glorious 2+ weeks with family and friends, jaunting around MI, OH, and WV. Showing off my pregnant belly. Feeling good. Little did I know that when I came back for this routine ultrasound, that it wouldn't be routine at all.
My midwife broke the news to me that the u/s showed that Tiny Baby had something they determined to be anencephaly. This basically means, "without brain." As in, a brain just hadn't developed. This is simply "not compatible with life" (a phrase we heard many times over the last week). I guess this is quite rare, and they never really can say why this happens, but it sometimes does. It just made no sense. And it still doesn't.
We spent almost every day in the following week with a different specialist or another doctor. Ultrasounds that used to bring joy and hopeful anticipation instead brought tears, convulsions and trauma. One specialist expanded on anencephaly, by adding the term "anacrania." This basically means "without skull." So this may be obvious to you ... and somewhere inside, it was to me as well ... but this further confirmed that there is no way our baby could live past birth. I could continue to carry the baby, and it would likely even continue to take nourishment and grow ... but there was no way it could ever have a chance to live on the outside.
I had just come into my second trimester, so, keep in mind... that leaves me 2/3 of the way to go. 6 months of well-meaning, "How are you feeling?"s and "How's the baby?" and "What are you having?" 6 months of watching what should like hope grow ... but knowing with dread that when it came to the point to give birth, I would instead be in total despair. Maybe a stronger person than me could tell all those well meaning questioners and go through a "birth" like that - but I can't. I couldn't.
So my options did not feel like options. I'm thankful for "choice" but it did not feel like I had a choice. You never hear stories like this in the pro-choice/pro-life debates. If I had a choice my baby would have developed nice and normal brains and skull. My baby would live. My choices? Suffer now (already doing it) and/or suffer later (sure I will continue to do this).
But I am not pregnant anymore. We didn't know the gender (too early), but I had inklings and dreams it was a girl, so we call her Clover. And that's all I can write tonight.
A little over a week ago, I had what I thought was a routine NT ultrasound. I'd had one before I left on vacation (end of June), but the baby was just shy of the 11-wk mark, so they couldn't do the measurement. I came back after spending a glorious 2+ weeks with family and friends, jaunting around MI, OH, and WV. Showing off my pregnant belly. Feeling good. Little did I know that when I came back for this routine ultrasound, that it wouldn't be routine at all.
My midwife broke the news to me that the u/s showed that Tiny Baby had something they determined to be anencephaly. This basically means, "without brain." As in, a brain just hadn't developed. This is simply "not compatible with life" (a phrase we heard many times over the last week). I guess this is quite rare, and they never really can say why this happens, but it sometimes does. It just made no sense. And it still doesn't.
We spent almost every day in the following week with a different specialist or another doctor. Ultrasounds that used to bring joy and hopeful anticipation instead brought tears, convulsions and trauma. One specialist expanded on anencephaly, by adding the term "anacrania." This basically means "without skull." So this may be obvious to you ... and somewhere inside, it was to me as well ... but this further confirmed that there is no way our baby could live past birth. I could continue to carry the baby, and it would likely even continue to take nourishment and grow ... but there was no way it could ever have a chance to live on the outside.
I had just come into my second trimester, so, keep in mind... that leaves me 2/3 of the way to go. 6 months of well-meaning, "How are you feeling?"s and "How's the baby?" and "What are you having?" 6 months of watching what should like hope grow ... but knowing with dread that when it came to the point to give birth, I would instead be in total despair. Maybe a stronger person than me could tell all those well meaning questioners and go through a "birth" like that - but I can't. I couldn't.
So my options did not feel like options. I'm thankful for "choice" but it did not feel like I had a choice. You never hear stories like this in the pro-choice/pro-life debates. If I had a choice my baby would have developed nice and normal brains and skull. My baby would live. My choices? Suffer now (already doing it) and/or suffer later (sure I will continue to do this).
But I am not pregnant anymore. We didn't know the gender (too early), but I had inklings and dreams it was a girl, so we call her Clover. And that's all I can write tonight.
6.02.2010
wherein i am entitled and bitchy...
I hate to log in to write about feeling sorry for myself, but to some degree, I am today. *sigh* I look at my life and I do see blessings beyond measure ... but lately things just seem so damn difficult to stay on top of.
It's the... money issue. Again. Rearing it's ugly head. It never really goes away. I can ignore it for a spell here and there, but it's always looming. I am always feeling pulled in a million different directions and there are no easy answers. Yes, I am home with my daughter and have been since her birth, which has been such a joy. But it also has been a financial decision. Out here, childcare is SO expensive for one child (let alone two... more about that later *grin*) that nothing I could find for part-time work really could justify paying for childcare. That is, what I would have earned would just about cover the costs of childcare. This would not help us.
So I look at our budget/expenses/what goes out vs. what goes in, and while we can certainly tighten up in some areas, we're certainly not running around living a life of extravagance. We eat out a little too often. We probably don't need netflix. We fill up our cars regularly because we need to drive places. But these are the "big ticket" things we face monthly:
- 2 car payments (3 more months until we're down to 1! whoo!),
- internet/phones (Verizon owns our souls),
- a lump sum of utilities to our landlords (who are probably losing money on us),
- auto insurance,
- two of Tim's undergrad loans,
- and the never-ending effort of paying down our credit cards.
I think that's it - with occasional deductibles for our insurance. We're not even paying rent right now due to our swanky living setup (which will not last forever) ... but what happens when we need to start doing that again? This house is going to sell eventually, and we're going to need to be looking for housing. We rented a 2 bedroom duplex in town before we moved out to the country for about $900/mo. Do-able on 2 full time incomes. On one modest pastor's income? Not so much. (My entry level social services income was modest too, don't get me wrong, but together, it was doable).
I'm not saying I can't make adjustments to what we spend, but some things in our budget are just kind of set. Right now, everything just seems like a big expense. I am in school full time (pretty much straight up on federal loans, buying my books out of pocket) and I am a mom. I really don't see how I can squeeze a job into this as well. Because then childcare has to be factored in (no relatives near enough to drop off Maggs with) and how does school happen? All I qualify for right now are jobs that have very little earning potential. I want to get this degree so I can do what I feel called to do AND actually work in a field where I can earn a little bit more than minimum wage!
This is where I get all bitchy and entitled (you know, like the kind of people who drive me nuts). We live in a wealthy area; one of the wealthiest counties in MD (which, in turn, is one of the wealthier states in the good old US of A). Don't get me wrong - there are poor folks. There is a lot of disparity between the wealthy and the poor in this county. My husband is a pastor of a church where some people have way too much money. My husband works his ass off and is struggling with his health due to how much he invests in our church. He never got into the ministry thinking, "Ahh, here's where I'll make my millions!" (that would be ridiculous), but I just wish that 1) they would pay him with the costs of living in this county in mind, and 2) that he would be paid close to what synod guidelines suggest. They do not. They up it a little a bit annually (which I am thankful for, as many employers have not been able to do this during our country's economic woes), but it is nowhere close to what the synod asks congregations to compensate their pastors. So being bitchy and entitled and all, I just wish they would pay him a little more realistically. It would make a major difference in our lives and allow us to get out from under some of our pile of debt (which never gets much smaller for very long). If he was a single guy (without the family in tow), he would still have a lot of these expenses. Maybe one less car, less gasoline or groceries, but ... c'mon. Throw us a frickin' bone here...
What triggered all this pity and "whaa whaa, I am a victim of circumstance"? Well, there are some modestly big expenses looming that I am trying to be aware of:
- air conditioning in my car (going without does not work for MD summers!)
- visit to MI and back this summer (planning to do this in my currently a/c -less car). We'll be with family most of the time so it won't be extravagantly costly, but things always do come up...
- needing to get our taxes done (prep can be a little costly, but we have to have the help as our taxes are always screwy) sometime this summer/early fall
- a major increase in deductibles due to ... (well, *grin* again, but I'll get to that)...
So yeah. Feeling trapped. Not very empowered at all at the moment.
In hopes of dealing with my stress about all this, 1) I am blogging to get it off my chest, and 2) I think I will make a list of things I am thankful for:
- seeing Tim today, though he was busy. Maggie always benefits from seeing Daddy midday.
- living in a beautiful rent-free apartment. It won't be forever, but I am thankful we have it now.
- being home with my girl,
- being in the right academic program (even though it will take too long and cost way too much money, it totally is the right program),
- not having much morning sickness at all this time around, b/c
- oh yeah! I'm totes preggers. :) :) :)
(I will interrupt my list to let you know I have been to my OB/GYN/MW once so far, and that we think I am about 8 weeks along. Feeling really good for the most part, though I am tired many days. Haven't had a sonogram yet but my EDD - calculated by myself - would put me due somewhere around early-mid January 2011! Sonogram will be in about 3.5 weeks or so. Very excited, though much more aware of the work involved in having kids now, so it's a different kind of emotion! I will likely get thru my fall semester just fine and then take off the Spring '11 term while we adjust to life with 2 critters.)
Also thankful for
- good leads on finding a counselor (an "on-going pre-req" for my program),
- having a summer course under my belt for this term,
- my darling (learning all the time, growing like a weed, goofball of a) daughter,
- that she's napping right now and I can chill, :)
- growing friendships (it has taken a while, but it is happening - what a joy!),
- good health,
- my family,
- feeling good! (Yeah, I already mentioned this, but it would be a million times worse if I was constantly nauseated and had to keep my head in the toilet 24/7!)
You know, making those "thankfulness lists" really does help my perspective. I should try to do it more often!
It's the... money issue. Again. Rearing it's ugly head. It never really goes away. I can ignore it for a spell here and there, but it's always looming. I am always feeling pulled in a million different directions and there are no easy answers. Yes, I am home with my daughter and have been since her birth, which has been such a joy. But it also has been a financial decision. Out here, childcare is SO expensive for one child (let alone two... more about that later *grin*) that nothing I could find for part-time work really could justify paying for childcare. That is, what I would have earned would just about cover the costs of childcare. This would not help us.
So I look at our budget/expenses/what goes out vs. what goes in, and while we can certainly tighten up in some areas, we're certainly not running around living a life of extravagance. We eat out a little too often. We probably don't need netflix. We fill up our cars regularly because we need to drive places. But these are the "big ticket" things we face monthly:
- 2 car payments (3 more months until we're down to 1! whoo!),
- internet/phones (Verizon owns our souls),
- a lump sum of utilities to our landlords (who are probably losing money on us),
- auto insurance,
- two of Tim's undergrad loans,
- and the never-ending effort of paying down our credit cards.
I think that's it - with occasional deductibles for our insurance. We're not even paying rent right now due to our swanky living setup (which will not last forever) ... but what happens when we need to start doing that again? This house is going to sell eventually, and we're going to need to be looking for housing. We rented a 2 bedroom duplex in town before we moved out to the country for about $900/mo. Do-able on 2 full time incomes. On one modest pastor's income? Not so much. (My entry level social services income was modest too, don't get me wrong, but together, it was doable).
I'm not saying I can't make adjustments to what we spend, but some things in our budget are just kind of set. Right now, everything just seems like a big expense. I am in school full time (pretty much straight up on federal loans, buying my books out of pocket) and I am a mom. I really don't see how I can squeeze a job into this as well. Because then childcare has to be factored in (no relatives near enough to drop off Maggs with) and how does school happen? All I qualify for right now are jobs that have very little earning potential. I want to get this degree so I can do what I feel called to do AND actually work in a field where I can earn a little bit more than minimum wage!
This is where I get all bitchy and entitled (you know, like the kind of people who drive me nuts). We live in a wealthy area; one of the wealthiest counties in MD (which, in turn, is one of the wealthier states in the good old US of A). Don't get me wrong - there are poor folks. There is a lot of disparity between the wealthy and the poor in this county. My husband is a pastor of a church where some people have way too much money. My husband works his ass off and is struggling with his health due to how much he invests in our church. He never got into the ministry thinking, "Ahh, here's where I'll make my millions!" (that would be ridiculous), but I just wish that 1) they would pay him with the costs of living in this county in mind, and 2) that he would be paid close to what synod guidelines suggest. They do not. They up it a little a bit annually (which I am thankful for, as many employers have not been able to do this during our country's economic woes), but it is nowhere close to what the synod asks congregations to compensate their pastors. So being bitchy and entitled and all, I just wish they would pay him a little more realistically. It would make a major difference in our lives and allow us to get out from under some of our pile of debt (which never gets much smaller for very long). If he was a single guy (without the family in tow), he would still have a lot of these expenses. Maybe one less car, less gasoline or groceries, but ... c'mon. Throw us a frickin' bone here...
What triggered all this pity and "whaa whaa, I am a victim of circumstance"? Well, there are some modestly big expenses looming that I am trying to be aware of:
- air conditioning in my car (going without does not work for MD summers!)
- visit to MI and back this summer (planning to do this in my currently a/c -less car). We'll be with family most of the time so it won't be extravagantly costly, but things always do come up...
- needing to get our taxes done (prep can be a little costly, but we have to have the help as our taxes are always screwy) sometime this summer/early fall
- a major increase in deductibles due to ... (well, *grin* again, but I'll get to that)...
So yeah. Feeling trapped. Not very empowered at all at the moment.
In hopes of dealing with my stress about all this, 1) I am blogging to get it off my chest, and 2) I think I will make a list of things I am thankful for:
- seeing Tim today, though he was busy. Maggie always benefits from seeing Daddy midday.
- living in a beautiful rent-free apartment. It won't be forever, but I am thankful we have it now.
- being home with my girl,
- being in the right academic program (even though it will take too long and cost way too much money, it totally is the right program),
- not having much morning sickness at all this time around, b/c
- oh yeah! I'm totes preggers. :) :) :)
(I will interrupt my list to let you know I have been to my OB/GYN/MW once so far, and that we think I am about 8 weeks along. Feeling really good for the most part, though I am tired many days. Haven't had a sonogram yet but my EDD - calculated by myself - would put me due somewhere around early-mid January 2011! Sonogram will be in about 3.5 weeks or so. Very excited, though much more aware of the work involved in having kids now, so it's a different kind of emotion! I will likely get thru my fall semester just fine and then take off the Spring '11 term while we adjust to life with 2 critters.)
Also thankful for
- good leads on finding a counselor (an "on-going pre-req" for my program),
- having a summer course under my belt for this term,
- my darling (learning all the time, growing like a weed, goofball of a) daughter,
- that she's napping right now and I can chill, :)
- growing friendships (it has taken a while, but it is happening - what a joy!),
- good health,
- my family,
- feeling good! (Yeah, I already mentioned this, but it would be a million times worse if I was constantly nauseated and had to keep my head in the toilet 24/7!)
You know, making those "thankfulness lists" really does help my perspective. I should try to do it more often!
5.01.2010
can something good come from my lutheran guilt? :)
It looks like the answer may be "yes."
Something that fell by the wayside once I was getting back into the swing of being a student was ... the healthy joys of exercising. :) I have never had my "sport" or "exercise thing" that I just had to do (I am jealous of people who have those - ya knows, people who "have to" run??), but for periods, I do manage to get into a habit of getting my heart rate up, maybe lifting some small weights, or doing an exercise video of some sort. I did well in Montana when I belonged to a Curves-style place called Pick Up the Pace. I tend to be a pretty static 155 lbs these days, but when I was going there 4-5x a week, I tightened everything up and got down from 163 to 147. It was good for me - and it showed!
Well, once the studies kicked in ... exercise got itself kicked out of my schedule. So did Days of our Lives, fwiw, and I love that silly damn show... I tried propping my book up on our elliptical machine (my aerobic exercise of choice while the girl sleeps) so I could study/burn some calories, but it wasn't meant to be. Trying to read text while moving up and down left my head hurting and my tummy feeling yucky. With so much reading in my classes and an increasingly busy girl, it just... happened. :(
Today I am proud to announce that Tim and I dusted off the elliptical and both got workouts in. (He manages to go for much longer bouts than me, burning upwards of 1000 calories ... jerk.) ;) I am proud of us for "getting back on the horse" so to speak, but it makes me laugh that much of it may have been motivated by guilt. Ahh, my health insurance knows I'm Lutheran and they know how to reach me. We had the option to take this "health survey" that will give us money toward our deductibles and there are other incentives (working with a life coach over the phone and charts where we can track our progress) to earn more. So while these are all nice perks (we're both doing the life coach thing and probably the charts), I must say what got me going was having to write down that I wasn't working out anymore. And that I don't eat enough vegetables. Oh the shame. Oh the GUILT.
"But we'd been doing so good with the elliptical ... and cooking from scratch!" I sniffed to Tim. But that was before my semester was in full swing. Months ago. So when the questions asked, "How many days did you work out in the last 7?" I mean, I keep active with Maggie, but we aren't out going for jogs and doing yoga poses in the woods together. And as tempted as I was to lie to that silly website ... I couldn't... So I had to tell it the truth. And that judgmental jerk of a health assessment affirmed what I already stinkin' know - that I am overweight. I do need to exercise. I need to make better choices.
Maybe today's workout is born out of guilt for having to be honest with a damn computer, but nonetheless, this guilt will prove to be good for me. I hope I can get back into a routine and keep up a little better now that I am a "seasoned student" (whoo! 1 semester down - don't know my GPA yet, but it will either be 2 A's and a B+ ... or possibly 3 A's! I will report back). I am hoping that I can embrace some new healthy habits, lose a couple pounds, and get my energy back where it should be...
So thanks, Lutheran guilt, you're good for something. :)
Something that fell by the wayside once I was getting back into the swing of being a student was ... the healthy joys of exercising. :) I have never had my "sport" or "exercise thing" that I just had to do (I am jealous of people who have those - ya knows, people who "have to" run??), but for periods, I do manage to get into a habit of getting my heart rate up, maybe lifting some small weights, or doing an exercise video of some sort. I did well in Montana when I belonged to a Curves-style place called Pick Up the Pace. I tend to be a pretty static 155 lbs these days, but when I was going there 4-5x a week, I tightened everything up and got down from 163 to 147. It was good for me - and it showed!
Well, once the studies kicked in ... exercise got itself kicked out of my schedule. So did Days of our Lives, fwiw, and I love that silly damn show... I tried propping my book up on our elliptical machine (my aerobic exercise of choice while the girl sleeps) so I could study/burn some calories, but it wasn't meant to be. Trying to read text while moving up and down left my head hurting and my tummy feeling yucky. With so much reading in my classes and an increasingly busy girl, it just... happened. :(
Today I am proud to announce that Tim and I dusted off the elliptical and both got workouts in. (He manages to go for much longer bouts than me, burning upwards of 1000 calories ... jerk.) ;) I am proud of us for "getting back on the horse" so to speak, but it makes me laugh that much of it may have been motivated by guilt. Ahh, my health insurance knows I'm Lutheran and they know how to reach me. We had the option to take this "health survey" that will give us money toward our deductibles and there are other incentives (working with a life coach over the phone and charts where we can track our progress) to earn more. So while these are all nice perks (we're both doing the life coach thing and probably the charts), I must say what got me going was having to write down that I wasn't working out anymore. And that I don't eat enough vegetables. Oh the shame. Oh the GUILT.
"But we'd been doing so good with the elliptical ... and cooking from scratch!" I sniffed to Tim. But that was before my semester was in full swing. Months ago. So when the questions asked, "How many days did you work out in the last 7?" I mean, I keep active with Maggie, but we aren't out going for jogs and doing yoga poses in the woods together. And as tempted as I was to lie to that silly website ... I couldn't... So I had to tell it the truth. And that judgmental jerk of a health assessment affirmed what I already stinkin' know - that I am overweight. I do need to exercise. I need to make better choices.
Maybe today's workout is born out of guilt for having to be honest with a damn computer, but nonetheless, this guilt will prove to be good for me. I hope I can get back into a routine and keep up a little better now that I am a "seasoned student" (whoo! 1 semester down - don't know my GPA yet, but it will either be 2 A's and a B+ ... or possibly 3 A's! I will report back). I am hoping that I can embrace some new healthy habits, lose a couple pounds, and get my energy back where it should be...
So thanks, Lutheran guilt, you're good for something. :)
4.27.2010
ugh. fear fear fear...
Don't get me wrong. I sometimes will worry that if I don't provide enough structure/discipline/hugs/fruits & veggies that my child will morph into a sociopath. I will sometimes worry that if she has her nuk too long or squeals all the time instead of "using" her "words" that she'll be a "terrible two" until she's 14. Sometimes I worry about the state of this world and the people in it and the sad fact that I can never completely prevent her from encountering tragedies and the fallen condition of this world. Some of these fears are irrational, yes - but some of them come out of good wanting-to-provide-the-best-I-can-for-my-kiddo place. You can't live your life without some worries, some anxiety, some fear...
But let me say this plainly - I refuse to let my life be ruled by fear.
And in turn, I don't plan to "pass on" this fear to my daughter. She will find her own things in life to be anxious or concerned about (unless she truly does end up being a sociopath - the jury is still out). ;) I definitely have some strong feelings about parenting and following my instincts and learning what I can as a parent, but I don't think it is my place to condemn other parents for the choices they make with their kids. Part of the reason I blog here - with a limited audience - is so I can get some of these "strong feelings" out without dumping them on other people. (If you choose to read mine, then you know you're getting my opinion on things!) Basically, I'm not going to get into a flame war on a blog and talk sh** like I am the parenting expert of the world. Unless a kid were truly in a dangerous situation, I would be very hesitant to throw in my two cents. Because let's face it - people raise their children in many many different ways and generally, if the children are loved and fed and clothed, they will turn out to be reasonably happy and competent adult people.
I guess this comes out of some communities I read on the internet. Some involve friends of whom I've read blogs for a long time. So many of them inspire me and motivate me and support me! But there is always such a consistent streak of fear in this day and age ... people with varying histories and experiences living lives ruled by fear ... trying to protect their kids from molesters at Wal-Mart, not letting their children experience much of anything independently because "something could happen!" Passing on that fear. No, I am not going to turn my almost 2yo loose on a busy street so she can "experience" dodging cars and running for her life. But I also plan to teach her as much as I can about life so she can make good decisions and feel the triumph and joy of doing things herself ... building confidence in herself as the wonderful little creation that she is.
Some parents call this "letting your kids run around with no supervision" or "not giving a damn about your child" and say things like, "Well excuse me for watching my kid!" I applaud their diligence and their care for their kids ... but what I proposed above =/= not giving a damn about my child. Oh believe me, I give LOTS of damns! There is plenty in this world that is out of our control and while I wish we could control some of these things, I don't think the answer is not to never let my child out of my sight. It's hard enough to "let go" and make the decision to go back to work or put your child in daycare or with a babysitter. But I think it comes down to building relationships and learning to trust. It can be very hard to do in this media-saturated world where all we ever hear is "OMG! Molestors r everywherez!"
But I think the gifts we get to pass on ...
- confidence
- joy
- accomplishment
- self-esteem
- hopefulness
- imagination
... are all going to be well worth it. Again, my almost 2yo will not be running in traffic or sailing around the world by herself anytime soon. You can bet your butt that if I am not right by her side, I am probably just a few steps away. But you can also bet your butt that as much as I may want to, I cannot control everything my child encounters in the world. That can be kind of scary. But it will probably also be OK. And if it isn't ... we will find a way to work through it together.
I once was at the park with my daughter and struck up a conversation with another mama wearing her baby (as a former baby-wearer I was impressed with her cool sling). She also had a 3 or 4 year old running around on the slides. We walked and followed our kids who were playing in about the same area. We had some things in common (cloth diapering and baby-wearing and having a faith life) but I could tell pretty quickly we didn't agree on everything in life pretty quickly, but initially, the mama-company was a nice thing.
But soon it divulged into...
- I'd used the wrong kind of carrier (a Baby Bjorn) with Maggie and could have caused her to have hip displasia.
- I was crazy if I thought about enrolling my kids in public school because they had lockdowns from time to time in our local district (nothing had really happened, though there had initally been cause for concern).
- Her other worry about public schools being that they are "indoctrinating kids" with "social agendas."
- Her not liking the park's enclosure fence around the play area because it was "too low" (it's up to my chest, but mind you, I am short) and "someone could just reach in and take the kids."
Fear fear fear. Ruling her life. And she was trying to pass it on to me, for all it was worth - but phew, I guess I had my forcefield up at that afternoon! ;) I'm sorry - life truly does have it's ups and it's downs. Things are not sunshine, lollipops and rainbows at every hour, but think about what you're passing down if you live your life ruled by fear: anxiety, distrust, paranoia, tenuous relationships. It's a pretty sad picture to me. But then, your kid might not need to build any relationships or trust anyone other than you if he lives with you until you're 86.
I love my child dearly. And while there may be some very good things to be cautious about in life, we'll figure out (together, I hope) what our responses should be.
But living ruled by fear? Sorry. I won't live that way.
But let me say this plainly - I refuse to let my life be ruled by fear.
And in turn, I don't plan to "pass on" this fear to my daughter. She will find her own things in life to be anxious or concerned about (unless she truly does end up being a sociopath - the jury is still out). ;) I definitely have some strong feelings about parenting and following my instincts and learning what I can as a parent, but I don't think it is my place to condemn other parents for the choices they make with their kids. Part of the reason I blog here - with a limited audience - is so I can get some of these "strong feelings" out without dumping them on other people. (If you choose to read mine, then you know you're getting my opinion on things!) Basically, I'm not going to get into a flame war on a blog and talk sh** like I am the parenting expert of the world. Unless a kid were truly in a dangerous situation, I would be very hesitant to throw in my two cents. Because let's face it - people raise their children in many many different ways and generally, if the children are loved and fed and clothed, they will turn out to be reasonably happy and competent adult people.
I guess this comes out of some communities I read on the internet. Some involve friends of whom I've read blogs for a long time. So many of them inspire me and motivate me and support me! But there is always such a consistent streak of fear in this day and age ... people with varying histories and experiences living lives ruled by fear ... trying to protect their kids from molesters at Wal-Mart, not letting their children experience much of anything independently because "something could happen!" Passing on that fear. No, I am not going to turn my almost 2yo loose on a busy street so she can "experience" dodging cars and running for her life. But I also plan to teach her as much as I can about life so she can make good decisions and feel the triumph and joy of doing things herself ... building confidence in herself as the wonderful little creation that she is.
Some parents call this "letting your kids run around with no supervision" or "not giving a damn about your child" and say things like, "Well excuse me for watching my kid!" I applaud their diligence and their care for their kids ... but what I proposed above =/= not giving a damn about my child. Oh believe me, I give LOTS of damns! There is plenty in this world that is out of our control and while I wish we could control some of these things, I don't think the answer is not to never let my child out of my sight. It's hard enough to "let go" and make the decision to go back to work or put your child in daycare or with a babysitter. But I think it comes down to building relationships and learning to trust. It can be very hard to do in this media-saturated world where all we ever hear is "OMG! Molestors r everywherez!"
But I think the gifts we get to pass on ...
- confidence
- joy
- accomplishment
- self-esteem
- hopefulness
- imagination
... are all going to be well worth it. Again, my almost 2yo will not be running in traffic or sailing around the world by herself anytime soon. You can bet your butt that if I am not right by her side, I am probably just a few steps away. But you can also bet your butt that as much as I may want to, I cannot control everything my child encounters in the world. That can be kind of scary. But it will probably also be OK. And if it isn't ... we will find a way to work through it together.
I once was at the park with my daughter and struck up a conversation with another mama wearing her baby (as a former baby-wearer I was impressed with her cool sling). She also had a 3 or 4 year old running around on the slides. We walked and followed our kids who were playing in about the same area. We had some things in common (cloth diapering and baby-wearing and having a faith life) but I could tell pretty quickly we didn't agree on everything in life pretty quickly, but initially, the mama-company was a nice thing.
But soon it divulged into...
- I'd used the wrong kind of carrier (a Baby Bjorn) with Maggie and could have caused her to have hip displasia.
- I was crazy if I thought about enrolling my kids in public school because they had lockdowns from time to time in our local district (nothing had really happened, though there had initally been cause for concern).
- Her other worry about public schools being that they are "indoctrinating kids" with "social agendas."
- Her not liking the park's enclosure fence around the play area because it was "too low" (it's up to my chest, but mind you, I am short) and "someone could just reach in and take the kids."
Fear fear fear. Ruling her life. And she was trying to pass it on to me, for all it was worth - but phew, I guess I had my forcefield up at that afternoon! ;) I'm sorry - life truly does have it's ups and it's downs. Things are not sunshine, lollipops and rainbows at every hour, but think about what you're passing down if you live your life ruled by fear: anxiety, distrust, paranoia, tenuous relationships. It's a pretty sad picture to me. But then, your kid might not need to build any relationships or trust anyone other than you if he lives with you until you're 86.
I love my child dearly. And while there may be some very good things to be cautious about in life, we'll figure out (together, I hope) what our responses should be.
But living ruled by fear? Sorry. I won't live that way.
3.27.2010
brrr!!
Ever since the initial spring-like weather about week or so ago, Maggie and I have been itching to get outside for a stretch at least once or twice a day! Of course, being springtime, the weather is fickle ... beautiful sunshine and 65 degrees one day, and torrential downpours and wind the next. Today we got tricked! Maggie and I played inside much of the morning, but the sun was so bright ... her room was warming up nicely, so we got dressed, shoe-d and headed out...
... and ran back in for coats! So we got "coated" too, and then headed out to play. Well, the porch was in the shade and that was way too cold! Maggie kept saying, "Water!" and hinting she was very interested in playing at her water table. I'm not sure she got it when I tried to explain that we just might freeze if we played with water in this chilly weather...
So I distracted her. We trooped around the garden and driveway and stayed reasonably comfortable when not in the shade. Eventually our teeth were chattering and Maggie was calling on "Charlie" (this means "It's chilly!") so we headed in. After eating some lunch, I get online to see it's 41-frickin'-degrees! No wonder we were so cold ... I thought we were just being wussy! C'mon spring, get your act together and bring us some sunshiney-love! :)
Also getting a slightly more "Charlie" reception, our friend the potty. For the last few days, Maggie has not shown as much interest. And though she has managed to poop in the potty twice, she's becoming increasingly freaked out by the idea of "transacting" that kind of "business" in the potty. So we'll step back a little for now, take it easy ... this will not become a battle of the wills, because we all know who would win! ;)
... and ran back in for coats! So we got "coated" too, and then headed out to play. Well, the porch was in the shade and that was way too cold! Maggie kept saying, "Water!" and hinting she was very interested in playing at her water table. I'm not sure she got it when I tried to explain that we just might freeze if we played with water in this chilly weather...
So I distracted her. We trooped around the garden and driveway and stayed reasonably comfortable when not in the shade. Eventually our teeth were chattering and Maggie was calling on "Charlie" (this means "It's chilly!") so we headed in. After eating some lunch, I get online to see it's 41-frickin'-degrees! No wonder we were so cold ... I thought we were just being wussy! C'mon spring, get your act together and bring us some sunshiney-love! :)
Also getting a slightly more "Charlie" reception, our friend the potty. For the last few days, Maggie has not shown as much interest. And though she has managed to poop in the potty twice, she's becoming increasingly freaked out by the idea of "transacting" that kind of "business" in the potty. So we'll step back a little for now, take it easy ... this will not become a battle of the wills, because we all know who would win! ;)
3.15.2010
maggie's world... potty time ... excellent!
By the time we got back from our "spring break" in snowy Michigan (during the first week of March ... brrr, I suppose it was spring somewhere), a package had arrived and was sitting on our landlord's doorstep. What ever could it be??
We had ordered a potty chair since Maggie was announcing things like, "Poop?" when we'd hear that she was working on her "business." We had also ordered a little book called Big Girls Use the Potty in order to spend $30 and get free shipping. Our plan was to just take it waaaay easy and be very casual about things. We didn't want to push the potty training issue on Maggie, as she still is quite young to be thinking about such things. We just set it out in her bathroom and showed her that she had a new book to look at.
It has been a surprise to me - but she has taken right to it! She loves the little book and walks around saying, "Potty!" In the last couple days, she has been sitting on the potty a couple times daily AND actually peeing. (We weren't going to jump into rewarding her with stickers on a chart, but since she has taken interest, we put it up.) This morning she even pooped, which surprised me to no end. She normally would pee and talk about "poop?" but not sit still long enough to really... transact any business. Yet today ... she did! Wow!
I somehow think the thrill won't last and we'll be back where we started in no time, but since she has shown interest (and even some proficiency), I did actually order some cloth pull-up training pants. Might as well run with it since she is interested, I guess! And though she's still a little young to have a handle on undressing herself, these might be a little easier to get out of than a diaper, a cover, and a snappi. :)
We had ordered a potty chair since Maggie was announcing things like, "Poop?" when we'd hear that she was working on her "business." We had also ordered a little book called Big Girls Use the Potty in order to spend $30 and get free shipping. Our plan was to just take it waaaay easy and be very casual about things. We didn't want to push the potty training issue on Maggie, as she still is quite young to be thinking about such things. We just set it out in her bathroom and showed her that she had a new book to look at.
It has been a surprise to me - but she has taken right to it! She loves the little book and walks around saying, "Potty!" In the last couple days, she has been sitting on the potty a couple times daily AND actually peeing. (We weren't going to jump into rewarding her with stickers on a chart, but since she has taken interest, we put it up.) This morning she even pooped, which surprised me to no end. She normally would pee and talk about "poop?" but not sit still long enough to really... transact any business. Yet today ... she did! Wow!
I somehow think the thrill won't last and we'll be back where we started in no time, but since she has shown interest (and even some proficiency), I did actually order some cloth pull-up training pants. Might as well run with it since she is interested, I guess! And though she's still a little young to have a handle on undressing herself, these might be a little easier to get out of than a diaper, a cover, and a snappi. :)
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