Dear dear Magdalena girl ...
You nearly gave your mama a heart attack this morning when you ran away from my side at the car and almost directly into the path of a car. Thank the Lord they saw you, thank the Lord they could stop, thank the Lord I caught you ... but child ... I was crying and yelling and losing my damn mind because it was probably the scariest moment of my life. I am sorry if I scared you, but... you are precious to me. Listen to your mama! I don't yell at you all day and all night - please recognize that when I yell, it is because I need you to listen to me. I was shaking like mad and almost sick that you'd managed to get THAT far from me THAT quickly. You are my life, little girl, and as vigilant as I try to be ... oh, I wish you had some more common sense. I'm not willing you grow up way too fast (you already are), but you could truly stand more than a toddler's dose of reasoning skills.
I love you I love you I love you. More than you could know...
Mama
Showing posts with label overwhelmed. Show all posts
Showing posts with label overwhelmed. Show all posts
9.20.2010
9.02.2010
butterflies...
I want to go to bed, but ... I have a nervous tummy ... butterflies.
There is good reason for the butterflies, I suppose. It's not just one thing, but many things:
1) We move a week from tomorrow. Yup, we set the date at the end of August and paid our deposit and first month's rent (pro-rated) and September 10 kind of *sounded* far enough off, but now ... it's a week away. Casa Swank is a mess and rapidly becoming less and less livable as it always tricky to know what you need and what you don't. We also *need* more boxes right now. I'd like to direct some of my nervous energies into packing boxes, but I'm out of them! Grr. Tomorrow I'll pick some more up from Railway. Anyhow, bags of trash are getting filled, bags of donations for Goodwill are piling up, boxes and suitcases are getting filled up ... and I can't find a darn sippy cup or nuk for Maggs. Simply put, it's chaos. We're making good enough progress, but alas, there is still SO much to do!
2) I start classes a week from today. Oh boy, lots of butterflies in this department. I know the big hurdle was going back in January this year, and I did that - yahoo for me ;) - and with a lot of work, I managed to do pretty well. Got, like, my first 4.0 ever ... buuuut, the academic anxiety is kicking in. I catch myself wondering if my first semester was a fluke - maybe all the profs were just being nice to me? This anxiety goes way back and is not all unrealistic/unfounded. I've struggled in school much of my life. So far, I love this program - and I am quite sure I'll continue to, but I just hope I can hack it. I hope I can juggle being mom and being wife and being me and being a student. I know people manage to do this sort of thing all the time, but I am overwhelmed. I pray I will find my flow... and that my classes won't completely kick my ass.
3) I am taking on Tim's stress/anxiety/fears. This is not an accusatory statement, but there is truth in it. I love my husband dearly and as I empathize with the difficulties (occupational, spiritual, emotionally) that he's having, I am finding myself awake at night thinking about all the difficulties (tangible and intangible) that he is dealing with. I don't want him *not* to share what he's dealing with; in fact, I am thankful he shares with me as much as he does. But it is taking it's toll. I love him so much and I want him to feel happy and fulfilled by his work and his call. I want him to feel hopeful. I want to fix the situation (even though that isn't supposed to be my instinct) but it is clearer and clearer that there is no way I can do that. I am so very thankful we all have each other ... but we also need space to heal. But what will bring that healing? What can change? What can't? There are good days but there are also very bad days where it seems like he's given up and has no hope. It's very exhausting...
4) Grappling with changes in my Dad's life. I don't think I actually wrote about it in the summer, as I've been pretty inwardly focused this summer (having lost Clover about 6 weeks ago now), but my Dad and his lady friend of a few months, Linda, have decided to get married. I got to meet her when I was in Michigan earlier this summer, and she's lovely. I approve :) - and I am really very excited that they've decided to take the plunge. But truth be told, it's becoming more real now. Even though I am 11 hrs and 10 hours away (according to Google maps), I am getting emails from Dad talking about moving any remaining stuff out of the house - about meeting her kids/kid's spouses/grandkids and having a big old family get together over Christmas. Aaaand... it's overwhelming. I don't think Dad intends for us to turn into the Brady Bunch or anything, as we're all grown and not living at home anymore (as are her "kids") but it just feels like there's this ... expectation. And I don't know what to expect! I feel like my dad has expectations for what our relationships will be - and who can say what that would be?! I'm not saying there isn't potential for connection, but at this point ... we are all just strangers who have parents who are in love. And that's it. Yeah, we should probably become familiar with who everyone is ... but a big old holiday family get together sounds kind of insane to me right now. I love my dad dearly and want to support him, so getting "on board" with the whole idea is probably my best bet, but ... it still sounds insane. Gulp.
5) Tonight's icing on the damn cake: there is *something* making a damn racket in the laundry room/pantry. We have had critters before ... oh yes, we have. We're out in the country, it's been the dead of winter and our apartment has been a warm spot of refuge for the damn little beasts ... but for the love of all that is good and holy, it's September frickin' 2nd and it is NOT cold so get the hell out of my house! At least have the decency to be a little quieter and not make my skin crawl. I even, like, peeked in there 20 minutes or so ago (before I started this post) and turned the light on ... as if my scary presence would make it/them nervous and they'd pack up their mousie backpacks and leave. Of course, I saw nothing, but with all the damn noise, I half expected to see a chorus of mice having choir practice. Noisy little bastard(s). They need to go the HELL away, but that seems unlikely without our doing some damage to their living situation. GahhhHH!H!!
I think that's basically it. Think I'll have enough to talk about in therapy tomorrow? ;)
There is good reason for the butterflies, I suppose. It's not just one thing, but many things:
1) We move a week from tomorrow. Yup, we set the date at the end of August and paid our deposit and first month's rent (pro-rated) and September 10 kind of *sounded* far enough off, but now ... it's a week away. Casa Swank is a mess and rapidly becoming less and less livable as it always tricky to know what you need and what you don't. We also *need* more boxes right now. I'd like to direct some of my nervous energies into packing boxes, but I'm out of them! Grr. Tomorrow I'll pick some more up from Railway. Anyhow, bags of trash are getting filled, bags of donations for Goodwill are piling up, boxes and suitcases are getting filled up ... and I can't find a darn sippy cup or nuk for Maggs. Simply put, it's chaos. We're making good enough progress, but alas, there is still SO much to do!
2) I start classes a week from today. Oh boy, lots of butterflies in this department. I know the big hurdle was going back in January this year, and I did that - yahoo for me ;) - and with a lot of work, I managed to do pretty well. Got, like, my first 4.0 ever ... buuuut, the academic anxiety is kicking in. I catch myself wondering if my first semester was a fluke - maybe all the profs were just being nice to me? This anxiety goes way back and is not all unrealistic/unfounded. I've struggled in school much of my life. So far, I love this program - and I am quite sure I'll continue to, but I just hope I can hack it. I hope I can juggle being mom and being wife and being me and being a student. I know people manage to do this sort of thing all the time, but I am overwhelmed. I pray I will find my flow... and that my classes won't completely kick my ass.
3) I am taking on Tim's stress/anxiety/fears. This is not an accusatory statement, but there is truth in it. I love my husband dearly and as I empathize with the difficulties (occupational, spiritual, emotionally) that he's having, I am finding myself awake at night thinking about all the difficulties (tangible and intangible) that he is dealing with. I don't want him *not* to share what he's dealing with; in fact, I am thankful he shares with me as much as he does. But it is taking it's toll. I love him so much and I want him to feel happy and fulfilled by his work and his call. I want him to feel hopeful. I want to fix the situation (even though that isn't supposed to be my instinct) but it is clearer and clearer that there is no way I can do that. I am so very thankful we all have each other ... but we also need space to heal. But what will bring that healing? What can change? What can't? There are good days but there are also very bad days where it seems like he's given up and has no hope. It's very exhausting...
4) Grappling with changes in my Dad's life. I don't think I actually wrote about it in the summer, as I've been pretty inwardly focused this summer (having lost Clover about 6 weeks ago now), but my Dad and his lady friend of a few months, Linda, have decided to get married. I got to meet her when I was in Michigan earlier this summer, and she's lovely. I approve :) - and I am really very excited that they've decided to take the plunge. But truth be told, it's becoming more real now. Even though I am 11 hrs and 10 hours away (according to Google maps), I am getting emails from Dad talking about moving any remaining stuff out of the house - about meeting her kids/kid's spouses/grandkids and having a big old family get together over Christmas. Aaaand... it's overwhelming. I don't think Dad intends for us to turn into the Brady Bunch or anything, as we're all grown and not living at home anymore (as are her "kids") but it just feels like there's this ... expectation. And I don't know what to expect! I feel like my dad has expectations for what our relationships will be - and who can say what that would be?! I'm not saying there isn't potential for connection, but at this point ... we are all just strangers who have parents who are in love. And that's it. Yeah, we should probably become familiar with who everyone is ... but a big old holiday family get together sounds kind of insane to me right now. I love my dad dearly and want to support him, so getting "on board" with the whole idea is probably my best bet, but ... it still sounds insane. Gulp.
5) Tonight's icing on the damn cake: there is *something* making a damn racket in the laundry room/pantry. We have had critters before ... oh yes, we have. We're out in the country, it's been the dead of winter and our apartment has been a warm spot of refuge for the damn little beasts ... but for the love of all that is good and holy, it's September frickin' 2nd and it is NOT cold so get the hell out of my house! At least have the decency to be a little quieter and not make my skin crawl. I even, like, peeked in there 20 minutes or so ago (before I started this post) and turned the light on ... as if my scary presence would make it/them nervous and they'd pack up their mousie backpacks and leave. Of course, I saw nothing, but with all the damn noise, I half expected to see a chorus of mice having choir practice. Noisy little bastard(s). They need to go the HELL away, but that seems unlikely without our doing some damage to their living situation. GahhhHH!H!!
I think that's basically it. Think I'll have enough to talk about in therapy tomorrow? ;)
7.22.2010
ugh
I need to write something... and I don't know that it will come out in it's entirety tonight. (Part of the problem is that though "resolved" - it's not. It's still a work in progress.) In fact, I really don't think I will write much tonight. But I do need to write something.
A little over a week ago, I had what I thought was a routine NT ultrasound. I'd had one before I left on vacation (end of June), but the baby was just shy of the 11-wk mark, so they couldn't do the measurement. I came back after spending a glorious 2+ weeks with family and friends, jaunting around MI, OH, and WV. Showing off my pregnant belly. Feeling good. Little did I know that when I came back for this routine ultrasound, that it wouldn't be routine at all.
My midwife broke the news to me that the u/s showed that Tiny Baby had something they determined to be anencephaly. This basically means, "without brain." As in, a brain just hadn't developed. This is simply "not compatible with life" (a phrase we heard many times over the last week). I guess this is quite rare, and they never really can say why this happens, but it sometimes does. It just made no sense. And it still doesn't.
We spent almost every day in the following week with a different specialist or another doctor. Ultrasounds that used to bring joy and hopeful anticipation instead brought tears, convulsions and trauma. One specialist expanded on anencephaly, by adding the term "anacrania." This basically means "without skull." So this may be obvious to you ... and somewhere inside, it was to me as well ... but this further confirmed that there is no way our baby could live past birth. I could continue to carry the baby, and it would likely even continue to take nourishment and grow ... but there was no way it could ever have a chance to live on the outside.
I had just come into my second trimester, so, keep in mind... that leaves me 2/3 of the way to go. 6 months of well-meaning, "How are you feeling?"s and "How's the baby?" and "What are you having?" 6 months of watching what should like hope grow ... but knowing with dread that when it came to the point to give birth, I would instead be in total despair. Maybe a stronger person than me could tell all those well meaning questioners and go through a "birth" like that - but I can't. I couldn't.
So my options did not feel like options. I'm thankful for "choice" but it did not feel like I had a choice. You never hear stories like this in the pro-choice/pro-life debates. If I had a choice my baby would have developed nice and normal brains and skull. My baby would live. My choices? Suffer now (already doing it) and/or suffer later (sure I will continue to do this).
But I am not pregnant anymore. We didn't know the gender (too early), but I had inklings and dreams it was a girl, so we call her Clover. And that's all I can write tonight.
A little over a week ago, I had what I thought was a routine NT ultrasound. I'd had one before I left on vacation (end of June), but the baby was just shy of the 11-wk mark, so they couldn't do the measurement. I came back after spending a glorious 2+ weeks with family and friends, jaunting around MI, OH, and WV. Showing off my pregnant belly. Feeling good. Little did I know that when I came back for this routine ultrasound, that it wouldn't be routine at all.
My midwife broke the news to me that the u/s showed that Tiny Baby had something they determined to be anencephaly. This basically means, "without brain." As in, a brain just hadn't developed. This is simply "not compatible with life" (a phrase we heard many times over the last week). I guess this is quite rare, and they never really can say why this happens, but it sometimes does. It just made no sense. And it still doesn't.
We spent almost every day in the following week with a different specialist or another doctor. Ultrasounds that used to bring joy and hopeful anticipation instead brought tears, convulsions and trauma. One specialist expanded on anencephaly, by adding the term "anacrania." This basically means "without skull." So this may be obvious to you ... and somewhere inside, it was to me as well ... but this further confirmed that there is no way our baby could live past birth. I could continue to carry the baby, and it would likely even continue to take nourishment and grow ... but there was no way it could ever have a chance to live on the outside.
I had just come into my second trimester, so, keep in mind... that leaves me 2/3 of the way to go. 6 months of well-meaning, "How are you feeling?"s and "How's the baby?" and "What are you having?" 6 months of watching what should like hope grow ... but knowing with dread that when it came to the point to give birth, I would instead be in total despair. Maybe a stronger person than me could tell all those well meaning questioners and go through a "birth" like that - but I can't. I couldn't.
So my options did not feel like options. I'm thankful for "choice" but it did not feel like I had a choice. You never hear stories like this in the pro-choice/pro-life debates. If I had a choice my baby would have developed nice and normal brains and skull. My baby would live. My choices? Suffer now (already doing it) and/or suffer later (sure I will continue to do this).
But I am not pregnant anymore. We didn't know the gender (too early), but I had inklings and dreams it was a girl, so we call her Clover. And that's all I can write tonight.
6.02.2010
wherein i am entitled and bitchy...
I hate to log in to write about feeling sorry for myself, but to some degree, I am today. *sigh* I look at my life and I do see blessings beyond measure ... but lately things just seem so damn difficult to stay on top of.
It's the... money issue. Again. Rearing it's ugly head. It never really goes away. I can ignore it for a spell here and there, but it's always looming. I am always feeling pulled in a million different directions and there are no easy answers. Yes, I am home with my daughter and have been since her birth, which has been such a joy. But it also has been a financial decision. Out here, childcare is SO expensive for one child (let alone two... more about that later *grin*) that nothing I could find for part-time work really could justify paying for childcare. That is, what I would have earned would just about cover the costs of childcare. This would not help us.
So I look at our budget/expenses/what goes out vs. what goes in, and while we can certainly tighten up in some areas, we're certainly not running around living a life of extravagance. We eat out a little too often. We probably don't need netflix. We fill up our cars regularly because we need to drive places. But these are the "big ticket" things we face monthly:
- 2 car payments (3 more months until we're down to 1! whoo!),
- internet/phones (Verizon owns our souls),
- a lump sum of utilities to our landlords (who are probably losing money on us),
- auto insurance,
- two of Tim's undergrad loans,
- and the never-ending effort of paying down our credit cards.
I think that's it - with occasional deductibles for our insurance. We're not even paying rent right now due to our swanky living setup (which will not last forever) ... but what happens when we need to start doing that again? This house is going to sell eventually, and we're going to need to be looking for housing. We rented a 2 bedroom duplex in town before we moved out to the country for about $900/mo. Do-able on 2 full time incomes. On one modest pastor's income? Not so much. (My entry level social services income was modest too, don't get me wrong, but together, it was doable).
I'm not saying I can't make adjustments to what we spend, but some things in our budget are just kind of set. Right now, everything just seems like a big expense. I am in school full time (pretty much straight up on federal loans, buying my books out of pocket) and I am a mom. I really don't see how I can squeeze a job into this as well. Because then childcare has to be factored in (no relatives near enough to drop off Maggs with) and how does school happen? All I qualify for right now are jobs that have very little earning potential. I want to get this degree so I can do what I feel called to do AND actually work in a field where I can earn a little bit more than minimum wage!
This is where I get all bitchy and entitled (you know, like the kind of people who drive me nuts). We live in a wealthy area; one of the wealthiest counties in MD (which, in turn, is one of the wealthier states in the good old US of A). Don't get me wrong - there are poor folks. There is a lot of disparity between the wealthy and the poor in this county. My husband is a pastor of a church where some people have way too much money. My husband works his ass off and is struggling with his health due to how much he invests in our church. He never got into the ministry thinking, "Ahh, here's where I'll make my millions!" (that would be ridiculous), but I just wish that 1) they would pay him with the costs of living in this county in mind, and 2) that he would be paid close to what synod guidelines suggest. They do not. They up it a little a bit annually (which I am thankful for, as many employers have not been able to do this during our country's economic woes), but it is nowhere close to what the synod asks congregations to compensate their pastors. So being bitchy and entitled and all, I just wish they would pay him a little more realistically. It would make a major difference in our lives and allow us to get out from under some of our pile of debt (which never gets much smaller for very long). If he was a single guy (without the family in tow), he would still have a lot of these expenses. Maybe one less car, less gasoline or groceries, but ... c'mon. Throw us a frickin' bone here...
What triggered all this pity and "whaa whaa, I am a victim of circumstance"? Well, there are some modestly big expenses looming that I am trying to be aware of:
- air conditioning in my car (going without does not work for MD summers!)
- visit to MI and back this summer (planning to do this in my currently a/c -less car). We'll be with family most of the time so it won't be extravagantly costly, but things always do come up...
- needing to get our taxes done (prep can be a little costly, but we have to have the help as our taxes are always screwy) sometime this summer/early fall
- a major increase in deductibles due to ... (well, *grin* again, but I'll get to that)...
So yeah. Feeling trapped. Not very empowered at all at the moment.
In hopes of dealing with my stress about all this, 1) I am blogging to get it off my chest, and 2) I think I will make a list of things I am thankful for:
- seeing Tim today, though he was busy. Maggie always benefits from seeing Daddy midday.
- living in a beautiful rent-free apartment. It won't be forever, but I am thankful we have it now.
- being home with my girl,
- being in the right academic program (even though it will take too long and cost way too much money, it totally is the right program),
- not having much morning sickness at all this time around, b/c
- oh yeah! I'm totes preggers. :) :) :)
(I will interrupt my list to let you know I have been to my OB/GYN/MW once so far, and that we think I am about 8 weeks along. Feeling really good for the most part, though I am tired many days. Haven't had a sonogram yet but my EDD - calculated by myself - would put me due somewhere around early-mid January 2011! Sonogram will be in about 3.5 weeks or so. Very excited, though much more aware of the work involved in having kids now, so it's a different kind of emotion! I will likely get thru my fall semester just fine and then take off the Spring '11 term while we adjust to life with 2 critters.)
Also thankful for
- good leads on finding a counselor (an "on-going pre-req" for my program),
- having a summer course under my belt for this term,
- my darling (learning all the time, growing like a weed, goofball of a) daughter,
- that she's napping right now and I can chill, :)
- growing friendships (it has taken a while, but it is happening - what a joy!),
- good health,
- my family,
- feeling good! (Yeah, I already mentioned this, but it would be a million times worse if I was constantly nauseated and had to keep my head in the toilet 24/7!)
You know, making those "thankfulness lists" really does help my perspective. I should try to do it more often!
It's the... money issue. Again. Rearing it's ugly head. It never really goes away. I can ignore it for a spell here and there, but it's always looming. I am always feeling pulled in a million different directions and there are no easy answers. Yes, I am home with my daughter and have been since her birth, which has been such a joy. But it also has been a financial decision. Out here, childcare is SO expensive for one child (let alone two... more about that later *grin*) that nothing I could find for part-time work really could justify paying for childcare. That is, what I would have earned would just about cover the costs of childcare. This would not help us.
So I look at our budget/expenses/what goes out vs. what goes in, and while we can certainly tighten up in some areas, we're certainly not running around living a life of extravagance. We eat out a little too often. We probably don't need netflix. We fill up our cars regularly because we need to drive places. But these are the "big ticket" things we face monthly:
- 2 car payments (3 more months until we're down to 1! whoo!),
- internet/phones (Verizon owns our souls),
- a lump sum of utilities to our landlords (who are probably losing money on us),
- auto insurance,
- two of Tim's undergrad loans,
- and the never-ending effort of paying down our credit cards.
I think that's it - with occasional deductibles for our insurance. We're not even paying rent right now due to our swanky living setup (which will not last forever) ... but what happens when we need to start doing that again? This house is going to sell eventually, and we're going to need to be looking for housing. We rented a 2 bedroom duplex in town before we moved out to the country for about $900/mo. Do-able on 2 full time incomes. On one modest pastor's income? Not so much. (My entry level social services income was modest too, don't get me wrong, but together, it was doable).
I'm not saying I can't make adjustments to what we spend, but some things in our budget are just kind of set. Right now, everything just seems like a big expense. I am in school full time (pretty much straight up on federal loans, buying my books out of pocket) and I am a mom. I really don't see how I can squeeze a job into this as well. Because then childcare has to be factored in (no relatives near enough to drop off Maggs with) and how does school happen? All I qualify for right now are jobs that have very little earning potential. I want to get this degree so I can do what I feel called to do AND actually work in a field where I can earn a little bit more than minimum wage!
This is where I get all bitchy and entitled (you know, like the kind of people who drive me nuts). We live in a wealthy area; one of the wealthiest counties in MD (which, in turn, is one of the wealthier states in the good old US of A). Don't get me wrong - there are poor folks. There is a lot of disparity between the wealthy and the poor in this county. My husband is a pastor of a church where some people have way too much money. My husband works his ass off and is struggling with his health due to how much he invests in our church. He never got into the ministry thinking, "Ahh, here's where I'll make my millions!" (that would be ridiculous), but I just wish that 1) they would pay him with the costs of living in this county in mind, and 2) that he would be paid close to what synod guidelines suggest. They do not. They up it a little a bit annually (which I am thankful for, as many employers have not been able to do this during our country's economic woes), but it is nowhere close to what the synod asks congregations to compensate their pastors. So being bitchy and entitled and all, I just wish they would pay him a little more realistically. It would make a major difference in our lives and allow us to get out from under some of our pile of debt (which never gets much smaller for very long). If he was a single guy (without the family in tow), he would still have a lot of these expenses. Maybe one less car, less gasoline or groceries, but ... c'mon. Throw us a frickin' bone here...
What triggered all this pity and "whaa whaa, I am a victim of circumstance"? Well, there are some modestly big expenses looming that I am trying to be aware of:
- air conditioning in my car (going without does not work for MD summers!)
- visit to MI and back this summer (planning to do this in my currently a/c -less car). We'll be with family most of the time so it won't be extravagantly costly, but things always do come up...
- needing to get our taxes done (prep can be a little costly, but we have to have the help as our taxes are always screwy) sometime this summer/early fall
- a major increase in deductibles due to ... (well, *grin* again, but I'll get to that)...
So yeah. Feeling trapped. Not very empowered at all at the moment.
In hopes of dealing with my stress about all this, 1) I am blogging to get it off my chest, and 2) I think I will make a list of things I am thankful for:
- seeing Tim today, though he was busy. Maggie always benefits from seeing Daddy midday.
- living in a beautiful rent-free apartment. It won't be forever, but I am thankful we have it now.
- being home with my girl,
- being in the right academic program (even though it will take too long and cost way too much money, it totally is the right program),
- not having much morning sickness at all this time around, b/c
- oh yeah! I'm totes preggers. :) :) :)
(I will interrupt my list to let you know I have been to my OB/GYN/MW once so far, and that we think I am about 8 weeks along. Feeling really good for the most part, though I am tired many days. Haven't had a sonogram yet but my EDD - calculated by myself - would put me due somewhere around early-mid January 2011! Sonogram will be in about 3.5 weeks or so. Very excited, though much more aware of the work involved in having kids now, so it's a different kind of emotion! I will likely get thru my fall semester just fine and then take off the Spring '11 term while we adjust to life with 2 critters.)
Also thankful for
- good leads on finding a counselor (an "on-going pre-req" for my program),
- having a summer course under my belt for this term,
- my darling (learning all the time, growing like a weed, goofball of a) daughter,
- that she's napping right now and I can chill, :)
- growing friendships (it has taken a while, but it is happening - what a joy!),
- good health,
- my family,
- feeling good! (Yeah, I already mentioned this, but it would be a million times worse if I was constantly nauseated and had to keep my head in the toilet 24/7!)
You know, making those "thankfulness lists" really does help my perspective. I should try to do it more often!
1.29.2010
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