a chat with confrontation, fear, and courage

"You can't change what you refuse to confront."

Hmm. Yes, this. Came across my facebook wall today. Pretty much the premise of a lot of the therapeutic experience, right? Confrontation isn't all it takes to make a change -- it takes a plan, commitment, forgiveness of yourself, realistic expectations and probably even a little bit of luck --but confrontation IS a large part of it.

This winter has been an intense one by Maryland standards. In no way do I even suggest it's the extreme my midwest friends and family are dealing with, but I'll admit, I'm getting antsy with some cabin fever. We've dealt with unpredictable snow days and cancellations, sickness, busyness, and the generally just the seasonal blahs. My trip into Urgent Care a few nights ago (to learn that I had a nasty case of Strep throat going) confirmed that the winter hibernation weight has settled on nicely and I'm up quite a few pounds from earlier this fall. Well, in all practical terms, it's probably 10 more lbs (on already being a little heavier than I like), but on my petite frame, it's pretty noticeable. Scale confirmed this, blood pressure (slightly elevated once again) confirmed this. Not good.

So I'm confronting what I've long been thinking about: "I should do something. I need a routine. I need changes." Because in all honesty, that's all I've done - thought. I talk about it occasionally. But it has never translated to action. And I know, in my smart little counselor brain, that the practical thing to do is make baby steps and changes so I can begin achieving what I want to achieve, and see successes. But I feel this urgency -- like just about everything needs to be turned on it's head.  Squeezing something in here and there doesn't seem to work for me - it's too easy to put off and ignore. The only equivalent I can make is the lifestyle shift a person who is trying to avoid a drug is trying to make; I need structure, I need new habits, I new surroundings (and often new people), I need support. This may be a drastic analogy - and I hope it's not insensitive - but with these things in place, there's a fighting chance of moving in the right direction.

I need to acknowledge the fear piece. Part of me sees the need for this lifestyle change because I *am* afraid - that my unhealthy, I'll-get-around-to-it later lifestyle will catch up with me,  that I'll end up getting sick, that I'll be no good (or worse yet, not around) for my dear family. This may be a stretch, but I have to acknowledge it's a fear nonetheless. (As someone who hasn't had her mom in her life for the past 10 years, grant me that.) And I know, in the grand scheme of things, I don't really have control over a single one of those possibilities. They could happen whether or not I change my lifestyle. (That could be frightening too, but it's actually kind of a comfort. But I'll save that for a different post.) I don't like operating from fear. It's stressful, it messes with my head, and turns me into a perfectionist. Nonetheless, I want to live a good life and be an example to my kids if I can. I want to operate from a place of courage, a place of hope. I want to remember I have power, perspective, and for now, my health. These are all gifts from God that I want to enjoy.

I once read wise words from a friend, who on his birthday noted he was another year older, but he intended this year, to get another year better. That stuck with me and it inspired my wheels to start turning. Of course, life went and got busy, so I ignored myself. I'm really good at that. But this notion stuck with me, nonetheless. He probably has no idea that it inspired, but it did. Thank you.

So I could keep this to myself because it's very me-focused and it could totally come off like I'm a vain girl planning her next diet. But I think it's more than that. I'm posting this because I'm looking for accountability, support, and motivation for myself. Are you confronting anything in your life right now? Struggling to make something happen in your life? If you are, leave a comment or send me a facebook message. I'd like to support you, encourage you, and journey with you as you move in the direction you want to. I'd also ask you to check in with me to do the same.