Turning toward Peace
Some of you may be wondering
what exactly the woman who is always surrounded by two busy,
imaginative, loud children could possibly have to say to you about
“peace”? Doesn't it seem I'm always yelling after one of them, or
chasing one of them, or putting one of them in time out? Sometimes I
do feel like it's all I do. It's not that they're bad kids, not in
the least … but they also probably don't embody what one thinks of
when they think of peace.
What do you think of? An
early morning on the quiet dock of a lake? A walk in the woods with
your dog? A mountaintop somewhere, where all you can hear is your own
breath and heartbeat? All of these sound pretty awesome to me …
they sound like an escape.
I know I certainly desire to
escape sometimes. Especially on a day where there is not enough
sleep, too much fighting, too many things demanding immediate
attention, appointments that I'm running late for and car keys that
are somehow missing... again. Sometimes I get into the mindset that
escaping my home, my school, and my busy life is the only way to run
away from chaos and into peace. Go on a silent retreat. Escape in a
kayak on a placid lake. But how likely is that to happen??
Some of you may know that I
am in school, working slowly but steadily on my Masters in Pastoral
Counseling. I have learned so much about working with others – and
about my own needs, hang-ups, and growing edges – while I have been
in the program. But one of the things I heard my first semester has
stuck with me and helped me really understand what it means to be a
counselor: That I am to sit with someone and their pain, and to hold
that person's pain for them until they are strong enough to take it
back and hold it themselves.
Wow. What an honor... what a burden!
I am reminded of the Prayer
of St. Francis, a song version which Tim & I actually used in our
wedding service. “Make me a channel of your peace” the song
begins, “where there is hatred, let me sow love. Where there is
injury, pardon. Where there is doubt, faith. Where there is despair,
hope. Where there is darkness, light. Where there is sadness, hope.”
Clients come to counseling because they are seeking clarity, solutions … peace. Listening to my clients speak, I have had first hand experience with how overwhelming disclosures of abuse, betrayal, and loss can be. How can I possibly hold onto this pain for someone when it is so engulfing and heartbreaking? I don't even want to touch it sometimes, or believe that people can be so taken advantage of or traumatized.
“Make me a channel of your
peace...”
I hear this prayer, this
song again, but I don't see an escape – an idyllic mountain, sandy
beach, or a cabin. I see the chaos swirling around: busy, full of
life, full of joy and pain. I hear voices, music, noise. I
experience demands, questions, a busy mind that won't let me fall
asleep. And yet, I see a clear and strong channel moving through the
middle of this chaos. Where the water still moves - but smoothly.
With strength. Direction. Purpose. This image is a god space where
the sense of peace is stronger than the chaos.
“Make me a channel of your
peace...”
I sometimes find myself
whispering the first line of this prayer. It becomes my prayer when
the chaos is surrounding me. It becomes my prayer in my heart when I
feel like I could drown right there in the counseling room – in
another person's painful life. It becomes my prayer when my own life
feels too wild, too full, too much. It is a prayer I pray when life
feels like it has no peace. It is a prayer I can even manage when I
don't feel like I have the words to pray. The chaos may still churn,
the demands may still exist, the children may still be tantruming and
trying to kill each other … but in this channel, God is there. Sure
and strong. Gentle and guiding. Whispering peace when the storms of
life are raging.
“Make me a channel of your
peace...”
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