The good news is ... all of our stuff is out of Trappe and that dwelling is nice and clean. Not a professional job, but as good as I can do.
The bad news is ... we still have half of it in our cars and the other half of it has not a found a home (yet?) in our new apartment. We are living out of our cars and in a pigsty. Classy. My car is never pristine, but this is ridiculous.
It's stressful. I fancy myself someone who can live pretty simply and not sweat the small stuff, but right now it all feels kind of daunting and big. When we decided to live in this apartment, I didn't think it was that small. But now, the daunting truth is that it is.
I am home with Maggie so I feel like I should be able to have this all whipped into shape by now. But it is slooooooow. So very slow. Maggie is 2 and busy and doesn't love to see Mommy put things up and out of her reach. I try to do some homework and reading while Maggie sleeps.
Alas. A few more boxes were broken down today so that may be our little triumph.
The good news is ... I get a little "break" tomorrow (from this mess, from tripping over boxes and searching for space where this is none) with a full day of classes. Hee hee - a "break." So to speak. Ah well, in a sense, it is still kind of "me" time since it is something that is focused on my future and very important to me.
The bad news is ... I don't feel ready for school. The semester is rushing onward at a furious pace and I want it to stay in that "first day of class" mentality where nothing is really expected yet. My papers are done. My reading isn't. I can't find which chapter I was assigned for my Human Development class. It makes me feel all disorganized and dumb.
Alas. I suppose I will survive not being fully prepared though.
(Might have a little time to do some reading between classes.)
After my full day, we're planning a little getaway to Allentown to hang with Tim's sister, Amy and her husband and her baby girl for the first part of our weekend. It should be nice. They're taking Maggie's crib for storage/use since we definitely don't have room for that anywhere. We thought they might be able to take the couch too, but we're back to not having a place for the couch to go (not that it was ever guaranteed, but we were feeling optimistic).
Anyone want a couch? Has a nice hide-a-bed.
Oh yeah - and Maggie is still up for no good reason at all. This is not the norm at all. There is not much good news in that. I pray she won't be a beast for Tim and Miss Julie tomorrow. I hope (so tentative, I don't even want to say it) that she is quieting down. We shall see.
Anyway, I am very rambly. It's late and I have to be up early for my "break." Sadly, thus far, I never get enough sleep in this new place due to the morning traffic noise.
9.29.2010
9.23.2010
hopeful
I am really not sure than anyone reads this blog except for me, but... let's say that I am feeling hopeful. A little overwhelmed, but hopeful. Nothing in life is guaranteed - in fact, maybe that's the only thing we can be sure of - but I am thankful for people, for life, for potential. I try to be a positive person, but I am probably a tad more on the even-keeled and realistic side. I know misfortunes happen, and I know things don't always turn out the way we hope - and sometimes there's no good reason why. But I still see a silver lining ... and am wishing for the best.
Thank you God, for all my blessings. Thank you.
Thank you God, for all my blessings. Thank you.
9.20.2010
oh baby girl...
Dear dear Magdalena girl ...
You nearly gave your mama a heart attack this morning when you ran away from my side at the car and almost directly into the path of a car. Thank the Lord they saw you, thank the Lord they could stop, thank the Lord I caught you ... but child ... I was crying and yelling and losing my damn mind because it was probably the scariest moment of my life. I am sorry if I scared you, but... you are precious to me. Listen to your mama! I don't yell at you all day and all night - please recognize that when I yell, it is because I need you to listen to me. I was shaking like mad and almost sick that you'd managed to get THAT far from me THAT quickly. You are my life, little girl, and as vigilant as I try to be ... oh, I wish you had some more common sense. I'm not willing you grow up way too fast (you already are), but you could truly stand more than a toddler's dose of reasoning skills.
I love you I love you I love you. More than you could know...
Mama
You nearly gave your mama a heart attack this morning when you ran away from my side at the car and almost directly into the path of a car. Thank the Lord they saw you, thank the Lord they could stop, thank the Lord I caught you ... but child ... I was crying and yelling and losing my damn mind because it was probably the scariest moment of my life. I am sorry if I scared you, but... you are precious to me. Listen to your mama! I don't yell at you all day and all night - please recognize that when I yell, it is because I need you to listen to me. I was shaking like mad and almost sick that you'd managed to get THAT far from me THAT quickly. You are my life, little girl, and as vigilant as I try to be ... oh, I wish you had some more common sense. I'm not willing you grow up way too fast (you already are), but you could truly stand more than a toddler's dose of reasoning skills.
I love you I love you I love you. More than you could know...
Mama
9.18.2010
settling in...
I'm still overwhelmed with the semester ahead (but at least I have a little more idea of what to expect), the new place is still a mess (but it's slowly taking shape) and life is marching forward at something a dizzying pace!
The new place ... is in a great location. We can walk to the coffee shop, farmer's market, church, Hispanic market, the utility company, the bank, the post office, park (though it's a bit further) ... it's sweet. I get a little happy buzz being able to walk around town with Maggs and Tim.
It's also significantly noisier than living way out in the no-man's land of rural (and wealthy) Trappe. I mean, Easton is a small town ... but big old trucks and buses and fire engines barrel through our intersection all day and all night! I'm sleeping a little better as time goes by, but it's going to take time to get used it. Maggie loves the bus sightings (she waves to the drivers!) and always brings up the "sarans" (sirens). (She says, "Wee-ooo! Wee-ooo! Again!")
The new place is also... small. We certainly don't need all the space we had in Trappe, but well, we got accustomed to it. We got accustomed to big closets and options for how to arrange things. Here - we've rearranged things a couple times so far because, well, many ways just don't work! But we're working on figuring that out. Being an older building, it's narrow and quirky. I love the quirk - definitely - but it causes some hardships. For example, our couch didn't end up fitting up the stairs. So we had to buy a little futon, which I am perched on right now. This also means we need to find a home for our couch, as we just don't plan to ditch this nice couch we bought a mere 2.5 years ago. We still have the storage space, but ... it too lacks room. And there's also still stuff back in Trappe that needs to go somewhere (Maggie's crib, clothes for her as she gets bigger, camping equipment, etc). So there's lots to figure out!
But it will work for us. We'll make it work. The benefits of Tim being able to be close to work - and all of us closer to civilization - are amazing benefits indeed! And I think school will work out, too, though I continue to be nervous about things - my Ethics class especially. But I'd better run - I hear my Gooey girl a'stirring from her nap!
The new place ... is in a great location. We can walk to the coffee shop, farmer's market, church, Hispanic market, the utility company, the bank, the post office, park (though it's a bit further) ... it's sweet. I get a little happy buzz being able to walk around town with Maggs and Tim.
It's also significantly noisier than living way out in the no-man's land of rural (and wealthy) Trappe. I mean, Easton is a small town ... but big old trucks and buses and fire engines barrel through our intersection all day and all night! I'm sleeping a little better as time goes by, but it's going to take time to get used it. Maggie loves the bus sightings (she waves to the drivers!) and always brings up the "sarans" (sirens). (She says, "Wee-ooo! Wee-ooo! Again!")
The new place is also... small. We certainly don't need all the space we had in Trappe, but well, we got accustomed to it. We got accustomed to big closets and options for how to arrange things. Here - we've rearranged things a couple times so far because, well, many ways just don't work! But we're working on figuring that out. Being an older building, it's narrow and quirky. I love the quirk - definitely - but it causes some hardships. For example, our couch didn't end up fitting up the stairs. So we had to buy a little futon, which I am perched on right now. This also means we need to find a home for our couch, as we just don't plan to ditch this nice couch we bought a mere 2.5 years ago. We still have the storage space, but ... it too lacks room. And there's also still stuff back in Trappe that needs to go somewhere (Maggie's crib, clothes for her as she gets bigger, camping equipment, etc). So there's lots to figure out!
But it will work for us. We'll make it work. The benefits of Tim being able to be close to work - and all of us closer to civilization - are amazing benefits indeed! And I think school will work out, too, though I continue to be nervous about things - my Ethics class especially. But I'd better run - I hear my Gooey girl a'stirring from her nap!
9.02.2010
butterflies...
I want to go to bed, but ... I have a nervous tummy ... butterflies.
There is good reason for the butterflies, I suppose. It's not just one thing, but many things:
1) We move a week from tomorrow. Yup, we set the date at the end of August and paid our deposit and first month's rent (pro-rated) and September 10 kind of *sounded* far enough off, but now ... it's a week away. Casa Swank is a mess and rapidly becoming less and less livable as it always tricky to know what you need and what you don't. We also *need* more boxes right now. I'd like to direct some of my nervous energies into packing boxes, but I'm out of them! Grr. Tomorrow I'll pick some more up from Railway. Anyhow, bags of trash are getting filled, bags of donations for Goodwill are piling up, boxes and suitcases are getting filled up ... and I can't find a darn sippy cup or nuk for Maggs. Simply put, it's chaos. We're making good enough progress, but alas, there is still SO much to do!
2) I start classes a week from today. Oh boy, lots of butterflies in this department. I know the big hurdle was going back in January this year, and I did that - yahoo for me ;) - and with a lot of work, I managed to do pretty well. Got, like, my first 4.0 ever ... buuuut, the academic anxiety is kicking in. I catch myself wondering if my first semester was a fluke - maybe all the profs were just being nice to me? This anxiety goes way back and is not all unrealistic/unfounded. I've struggled in school much of my life. So far, I love this program - and I am quite sure I'll continue to, but I just hope I can hack it. I hope I can juggle being mom and being wife and being me and being a student. I know people manage to do this sort of thing all the time, but I am overwhelmed. I pray I will find my flow... and that my classes won't completely kick my ass.
3) I am taking on Tim's stress/anxiety/fears. This is not an accusatory statement, but there is truth in it. I love my husband dearly and as I empathize with the difficulties (occupational, spiritual, emotionally) that he's having, I am finding myself awake at night thinking about all the difficulties (tangible and intangible) that he is dealing with. I don't want him *not* to share what he's dealing with; in fact, I am thankful he shares with me as much as he does. But it is taking it's toll. I love him so much and I want him to feel happy and fulfilled by his work and his call. I want him to feel hopeful. I want to fix the situation (even though that isn't supposed to be my instinct) but it is clearer and clearer that there is no way I can do that. I am so very thankful we all have each other ... but we also need space to heal. But what will bring that healing? What can change? What can't? There are good days but there are also very bad days where it seems like he's given up and has no hope. It's very exhausting...
4) Grappling with changes in my Dad's life. I don't think I actually wrote about it in the summer, as I've been pretty inwardly focused this summer (having lost Clover about 6 weeks ago now), but my Dad and his lady friend of a few months, Linda, have decided to get married. I got to meet her when I was in Michigan earlier this summer, and she's lovely. I approve :) - and I am really very excited that they've decided to take the plunge. But truth be told, it's becoming more real now. Even though I am 11 hrs and 10 hours away (according to Google maps), I am getting emails from Dad talking about moving any remaining stuff out of the house - about meeting her kids/kid's spouses/grandkids and having a big old family get together over Christmas. Aaaand... it's overwhelming. I don't think Dad intends for us to turn into the Brady Bunch or anything, as we're all grown and not living at home anymore (as are her "kids") but it just feels like there's this ... expectation. And I don't know what to expect! I feel like my dad has expectations for what our relationships will be - and who can say what that would be?! I'm not saying there isn't potential for connection, but at this point ... we are all just strangers who have parents who are in love. And that's it. Yeah, we should probably become familiar with who everyone is ... but a big old holiday family get together sounds kind of insane to me right now. I love my dad dearly and want to support him, so getting "on board" with the whole idea is probably my best bet, but ... it still sounds insane. Gulp.
5) Tonight's icing on the damn cake: there is *something* making a damn racket in the laundry room/pantry. We have had critters before ... oh yes, we have. We're out in the country, it's been the dead of winter and our apartment has been a warm spot of refuge for the damn little beasts ... but for the love of all that is good and holy, it's September frickin' 2nd and it is NOT cold so get the hell out of my house! At least have the decency to be a little quieter and not make my skin crawl. I even, like, peeked in there 20 minutes or so ago (before I started this post) and turned the light on ... as if my scary presence would make it/them nervous and they'd pack up their mousie backpacks and leave. Of course, I saw nothing, but with all the damn noise, I half expected to see a chorus of mice having choir practice. Noisy little bastard(s). They need to go the HELL away, but that seems unlikely without our doing some damage to their living situation. GahhhHH!H!!
I think that's basically it. Think I'll have enough to talk about in therapy tomorrow? ;)
There is good reason for the butterflies, I suppose. It's not just one thing, but many things:
1) We move a week from tomorrow. Yup, we set the date at the end of August and paid our deposit and first month's rent (pro-rated) and September 10 kind of *sounded* far enough off, but now ... it's a week away. Casa Swank is a mess and rapidly becoming less and less livable as it always tricky to know what you need and what you don't. We also *need* more boxes right now. I'd like to direct some of my nervous energies into packing boxes, but I'm out of them! Grr. Tomorrow I'll pick some more up from Railway. Anyhow, bags of trash are getting filled, bags of donations for Goodwill are piling up, boxes and suitcases are getting filled up ... and I can't find a darn sippy cup or nuk for Maggs. Simply put, it's chaos. We're making good enough progress, but alas, there is still SO much to do!
2) I start classes a week from today. Oh boy, lots of butterflies in this department. I know the big hurdle was going back in January this year, and I did that - yahoo for me ;) - and with a lot of work, I managed to do pretty well. Got, like, my first 4.0 ever ... buuuut, the academic anxiety is kicking in. I catch myself wondering if my first semester was a fluke - maybe all the profs were just being nice to me? This anxiety goes way back and is not all unrealistic/unfounded. I've struggled in school much of my life. So far, I love this program - and I am quite sure I'll continue to, but I just hope I can hack it. I hope I can juggle being mom and being wife and being me and being a student. I know people manage to do this sort of thing all the time, but I am overwhelmed. I pray I will find my flow... and that my classes won't completely kick my ass.
3) I am taking on Tim's stress/anxiety/fears. This is not an accusatory statement, but there is truth in it. I love my husband dearly and as I empathize with the difficulties (occupational, spiritual, emotionally) that he's having, I am finding myself awake at night thinking about all the difficulties (tangible and intangible) that he is dealing with. I don't want him *not* to share what he's dealing with; in fact, I am thankful he shares with me as much as he does. But it is taking it's toll. I love him so much and I want him to feel happy and fulfilled by his work and his call. I want him to feel hopeful. I want to fix the situation (even though that isn't supposed to be my instinct) but it is clearer and clearer that there is no way I can do that. I am so very thankful we all have each other ... but we also need space to heal. But what will bring that healing? What can change? What can't? There are good days but there are also very bad days where it seems like he's given up and has no hope. It's very exhausting...
4) Grappling with changes in my Dad's life. I don't think I actually wrote about it in the summer, as I've been pretty inwardly focused this summer (having lost Clover about 6 weeks ago now), but my Dad and his lady friend of a few months, Linda, have decided to get married. I got to meet her when I was in Michigan earlier this summer, and she's lovely. I approve :) - and I am really very excited that they've decided to take the plunge. But truth be told, it's becoming more real now. Even though I am 11 hrs and 10 hours away (according to Google maps), I am getting emails from Dad talking about moving any remaining stuff out of the house - about meeting her kids/kid's spouses/grandkids and having a big old family get together over Christmas. Aaaand... it's overwhelming. I don't think Dad intends for us to turn into the Brady Bunch or anything, as we're all grown and not living at home anymore (as are her "kids") but it just feels like there's this ... expectation. And I don't know what to expect! I feel like my dad has expectations for what our relationships will be - and who can say what that would be?! I'm not saying there isn't potential for connection, but at this point ... we are all just strangers who have parents who are in love. And that's it. Yeah, we should probably become familiar with who everyone is ... but a big old holiday family get together sounds kind of insane to me right now. I love my dad dearly and want to support him, so getting "on board" with the whole idea is probably my best bet, but ... it still sounds insane. Gulp.
5) Tonight's icing on the damn cake: there is *something* making a damn racket in the laundry room/pantry. We have had critters before ... oh yes, we have. We're out in the country, it's been the dead of winter and our apartment has been a warm spot of refuge for the damn little beasts ... but for the love of all that is good and holy, it's September frickin' 2nd and it is NOT cold so get the hell out of my house! At least have the decency to be a little quieter and not make my skin crawl. I even, like, peeked in there 20 minutes or so ago (before I started this post) and turned the light on ... as if my scary presence would make it/them nervous and they'd pack up their mousie backpacks and leave. Of course, I saw nothing, but with all the damn noise, I half expected to see a chorus of mice having choir practice. Noisy little bastard(s). They need to go the HELL away, but that seems unlikely without our doing some damage to their living situation. GahhhHH!H!!
I think that's basically it. Think I'll have enough to talk about in therapy tomorrow? ;)
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