this is a test ... this is only a test ...

At the end of spring semester, I was looking at the landscape of our impending wide open summer calendar with the best of intentions. With sincerity. With focus and drive. And with a realistic point of view. (Or so I thought.)

It was my intention to begin studying for the NCE (National Counseling Exam) throughout the summer, systematically working my way through material new and old and gradually building on what I knew and into what I didn't as I made my way through all topics on which I'd be tested. My classmates (who has previously expressed interest in joining me in this endeavor) would bring their knowledge and areas of interest, as I would bring mine. Our minds would all meet, knowledge would flow, accountability would keep us focused ... and together we would become NCE-studying champs that would kick this big bad licensing test in it's proverbial boo-tay come the morning of Saturday, October 19.

So October 19 is a little more than a month away.

And you may have guessed (from the flowery language? or from just, um, knowing me?) ... that this studying did not happen.

Some initial emails flew around, but no one ever confirmed with me for this study group that I so desired to form, and before you knew it, my motivation was definitely lagging. Oh, and summer ... (that was the main thing!) ... summer just kept happening and ... and ...

Now October 19 is about a month away.

So yesterday (Thursday), I began studying. One of the first things I did after my initial self-guided study session was to go to my google calendar (which is now delightfully merged with my honey's) and I just started blocking out two- to four-hour chunks of time anytime I could. Tim's not in a meeting on Friday night? Good, I'm jammin' outta here and heading off to a rager the library! Tim doesn't have a Saturday afternoon engagement with the synod? Sweet, I am off to hang out at Starbucks, gettin' hyped on salted caramel mochas and human development theory, dude! Sunday afternoon is looking free and Sabbathy for Tim and the kids? Well, nice. But guess what fool? I'm about to break some commandments and brush up on ethics and multiculturalism!

Just blocking out the time ... in a very definite kind of way ... was sort of a huge deal for me! I mean, I know it does not equal studying (...wouldn't it be nice if it did?!...) but by now I should really understand that unless I purposefully and intentionally set the time apart, things like "studying" just don't happen in my few and fleeting free moments. Nope, they just don't. Left to my own devices, I will rabidly play Words with Friends. Or read "OK!" magazine. Or take a nap. I am not always the most self-directed person... well, I'm self-directed, but not necessarily things that will grow my brain or aid me in my scholarly pursuits.

But now, it's on my schedule. And the pressure is ON. (The study guide espoused the virtues of beginning the study regimen 6-8 months in advance. Ummm. Yeah. No.) This test will cover SO much material. Even if I learned it at some point, I have been working on my master's for three years and I certainly haven't retained every nugget that I've learned.

I've just got a month ... but I'm thankful I have a month! It will be a highly regulated month (dude, I just came back from 3 hours of diet coke and Family Therapy review at the Double T Diner), but it gives me a fighting chance to do the review and the work and pass this thing.

That said, there's this: I plan to be on facebook, pinterest, and blogging decidedly less. I may not be super social or signing up for too many extra life responsibilities. Time not studying shall be devoted to family, internship, academics. (Maybe one date night thrown in there? Probably, or my husband may hate me by mid-October.) Good times, good times.

Wish me luck ... and that my neural pathways will deepen and that what I actually do learn will end up being on the exam! Let's do this!

bring me to life...

As I still continue to muse on the stretching I wrote about last week, I am thinking about the work I'll be delving into at my internship site. I'll be working with people who are grieving. My site is affiliated and operated under an amazing hospice program and my program - the Life Center - works with people of all ages when life is effected by loss. Having been run over by the grief truck in my own life, I remember how heavy, isolating, and out-of-body it was for me to process a major loss. At the Life Center we work with people who are struggling to make sense of their loss and find meaning as they adapt to a new life without the person they lost.

A quick google search instantly turns up about a million-and-a-1/2 reflections on life...

"It's not the years in your life that count, it's the life in your years."

"Life is too short to worry ... Life is too long to wait."

"Enjoy the little things in life, because one day you will look back and realize they were the big things."

"Life is either a daring adventure ... or it's nothing."

"Life is the art of drawing...without an eraser."

... And so on. (And on!) Some wordy, some thoughtful, some simple, some sarcastic. Some views are optimistic and hopeful. Some are darker, but wise. Some are a little cheesy, but were probably spot on for the person who originally penned the words. Some are full of pain, brokenness, and betray someone longing to protect themselves at all costs. Whatever makes up your own experience of living, I think we can for the most part agree life is all about the perspective one chooses to take, at any given moment. The way we perceive things - and interpret them - leads to whether or not we consider life good or bad.

My perspective about life is stretching beyond philosophy, at this point... and into the realm of practice. Ya know, where the rubber actually meets the road. There are little bits of this all through out my day ... as a parent, working with a stubborn and angry child to understand what's going on... as a spouse, being aware of how I react and catching myself before I dive into my habitual ways of over-reacting.  Practice .... where the work gets done. And done again, and again as needed, when I muck it up in my imperfect attempts.

I am considering what abundant, joyful, fulfilling life looks like as I think about my future clients who may lose all focus of those things in their time of grief and pain. I am thinking about what will be important for me to incorporate into my own life, my own practices as I work to not be crushed under the burden of another person's story of loss.

Back in February of this year, when I initially interviewed at the Life Center, I was curious about the self-care philosophies and practices of the therapists who I met with. I'd read about how grief work can be just killer on a person working in the helping profession (...groooooooan, I just saw what I did there!) and I wondered how these folks managed to stay afloat in such turbulent waters.

I was enrolled in an amazing class taught by Dr. Bob Wicks called "Pastoral Integration" at that point. We were spending a lot of time in discussion about the kind of life a professional counselor needs to cultivate in order to be able to give energy, presence, and unique perspectives to their clients.  The discussions were great, but I was getting to that point in the semester where ... well, I wanted to know the nitty gritty, make a to-do list and change my life so I could become such a person. And because I can be a lazy bum, I still kind of do want someone to hand me that definitive list, but I've also learned that no one - but me - is going to know exactly what I need to live the full authentic life that bears fruit. Developing that self-care protocol, specific to me - that's the work that I have to do ... and will probably continue to figure out over the course of the rest of my life.

So here I am. Ready to jump into something big and awesome. Trying to figure out what will personally support me - and give me life - so I can do the best I can for the clients I meet.  I have some ideas - they are kind of diverse and strange and I'm wondering what it will look like to put them into action. But I'm also curious, too, about what gives others life. What helps you bounce back? Feel connected? Feel alive and satisfied with life? Philosophy probably fuels you, but practice is where it all comes together ... Please feel free to share your thoughts with me!